Mad Health Freaks

What Are The Best ADHD Treatment Options?

2011-10-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

Many parents ask what is the best ADHD treatment option. They often do not realize that THEY are the best resource available and that with smart parenting, a lot of the problems of ADHD can be resolved.

Another aspect is how parents should never really feel any guilt about the cause of their children's ADHD. There are many causes and certainly bad parenting is NOT one of them. We are talking about a mild mental disorder which has both genetic and biological roots.

They should be looking at how they can NOW help their kids through ADHD behavior therapy. This simply means effective parenting skills and is an essential part in any ADHD treatment.

Am I A Bad Parent?

2011-08-07T14:17:00.001-07:00

"Am I a Bad Parent?" How to Let Go of Parenting Guilt

by Janet Lehman, MSW

Countless readers write in to Empowering Parents and say, “I’m supposed to know how to make my child behave, but I don’t. He’s out of control and people blame me for his behavior. I feel guilty and ashamed most of the time, and very alone. It’s the worst feeling in the world.” The truth is, you’re not supposed to know everything about being a parent—it’s a skill you have to learn, just like anything else. While there’s no one “right way” to parent, there are more effective ways to handle your child’s behavior.

You’re probably not waking up in the morning saying, “I think I’ll really mess my kid up today.”

I’ve worked with some of the toughest, out of control adolescents imaginable and really understand where people are coming from when they say they feel like a “bad parent.” As a therapist in residential treatment centers for troubled teens and at-risk youth, part of my job was also working with parents to teach them new skills. The moms and dads I met were beaten down and guilt-ridden by the time their kids arrived at the residential center. The vast majority had really tried to do their best as parents, but they were up against difficult odds with their kids—including behavior disorders, mood problems and other stressors in the home. It was extremely difficult for them to dig out of the hole of blame, shame and guilt, because their kids had such a long history of acting-out behavior. But over time, these parents learned to stop taking their children’s behavior personally, and to parent more effectively by using techniques that stressed responsibility and accountability. So remember, no matter what has gone on before or what your child is like now, it’s never too late for them to change.

If you have an acting-out child, it’s common to feel a chronic sense of shame over his behavior, or like you’ve “failed” as a parent. The important thing to understand is that these feelings don’t help anyone; they won’t help you, and they won’t help your child. Questions about who’s to blame don’t really matter when parents are working to become more effective. The real question is, what can you do differently to help your child change his behavior? After all, it’s not about whose fault it is—it’s about who is willing to take responsibility.

I understand that feeling judged and blamed by others is uncomfortable and upsetting. And perhaps you are being judged by others, but keep reminding yourself that they haven’t walked in your shoes. Even if you’re being blamed, you’re still trying to do your very best. You’re probably not waking up in the morning saying, “I think I’ll really mess my kid up today.” So give yourself a break from blame and guilt, and focus instead on what you can do to change the situation.

When You Take on Blame for Your Child’s Behavior

When your child acts out or misbehaves, it can become a habit to say things to yourself like, “It’s my fault he lies—I spoiled him and allowed him to get away with too much when he was younger. It’s my fault he’s rude to his grandparents—I wasn’t able to teach him good manners. It’s my fault his grades are bad—I should have worked harder with him every night. It’s my fault he stays out past curfew—I allowed him too much freedom after my divorce because I felt guilty about breaking up the family. While it’s common to fall into the trap of feeling guilty, it won’t get you—or your child—anywhere. It’s important to understand that when you blame yourself, you’re taking on your child’s behavior—and you’re not helping him take responsibility. This is the opposite of what you want, because your child will just learn that he doesn’t need to be accountable for his actions.

Why do we get into these patterns with our kids? To put it simply, it’s painful to see our children struggle. Think of it this way: have you ever picked up your child’s room even though he was supposed to clean it? You probably told yourself, “It’ll be easier if I just do it myself.” In the same way, it can be easier to take on our kids’ mistakes than to hold them responsible. But just as you faced your own difficulties growing up and learned how to take responsibility, so will your child need to learn those same lessons. Along the way, he’ll face some challenges and disappointments. If he’s not allowed to face those difficulties, he’ll never develop into an adult who’s able to take responsibility and deal with life’s ups and downs; he’ll always be looking for someone else to take on his problems—or take the blame for his actions.

Here’s an example from my own life. I remember a time when our son was having difficulties in school. His teacher called about his behavior and my first reaction was to get angry and defensive and blame myself. But my husband James was so clear when he said, “This is not about you, Janet—it’s about our son.” This was helpful in prompting me to change and not take what was happening personally. I needed to remove myself from the picture and focus on my child and what he needed.

If you’re enabling your child by blaming other people—or yourself—you need to take a step back and really ask, “Is this a pattern that’s developed?” When you start looking at patterns of behavior in a non-blaming way, you’ll be able to help your child take responsibility and change that behavior. In order to do this, you have to be strong and not buy all the excuses your child may give you. Don’t let him try to put the blame on you by saying things like, “You made me mad so I kicked the wall.” Or “You took my cell phone away so I went out to meet my friends without telling you.”

If you have a child who’s blaming others, you might start by having him write down what happened. (If possible, try to find out what happened yourself and have the goods on the situation by doing a little investigative work with the people involved.) What you want is to get your child to a place where he can be as objective as possible about what happened. Ask, “What was your responsibility and what were other people’s responsibilities in this situation?” This question is powerful to help him learn about his role in what happened and how to change. You might even write down the facts yourself. Be as objective as possible and don’t put yourself—or your feelings of guilt—into the equation. List the facts and think about them almost as a neutral party. This will help you to look at things with a clearer lens.

When Others Blame You

Does this sound familiar? You’re out somewhere in your neighborhood and your child starts acting out. Maybe he yells at you or calls you a foul name. Somebody sends you a blaming look or makes a comment about your child being out of control, and you immediately feel guilty. People will put that blame and shame on you, but you don’t have to accept it. When you finally become empowered as a parent, you’ll realize that nobody walks in your shoes. Those people who judge you don’t have a clue, because you really are doing your best every day. Here’s something that’s helpful to repeat to yourself: “No one understands unless they’ve walked in my shoes. I’m doing my best, and other people won’t always see or appreciate that.” Eventually, you’ll be able to change those tapes that are playing in your head that say you’re doing a bad job or that you’re a failure as a parent. Instead, you’ll be able to say honestly, “I tried my best today, and we made it to bedtime without a fight.”

Old Habits Die Hard: When You Catch Yourself Taking on Blame

What should you do when you’re able to actually catch yourself in the moment feeling guilty or taking on blame for your child? First of all, congratulate yourself for being aware of what’s happening. The first real step toward change on your part is that awareness of what you’re doing. Any time you can catch yourself and count to five, you’re probably going to do something different than your first impulse. If you can, take a moment and write down the facts. Ask yourself the following questions:

What’s the situation? What actually happened?
What’s my first inclination based on those findings?
What could I do to be more effective?

It’s really all about gaining objectivity and then, as James said, taking yourself out of the picture. Step back physically and take a timeout if you need to. And keep telling yourself, “This is not about me, it’s about my child.”

“I feel so alone.”

Often families of oppositional, defiant, or acting-out kids become very withdrawn and start to pull away from other people. While it can protect parents and families from further outside shame and blame, it does nothing to improve the internal feelings the parents have about their own blame and their own failure. In other words, this isolation really magnifies their feelings of failure.

When you reach out to others, it helps to reduce or remove blame and failure. You’ll get a better perspective and realize you’re not alone and that there are others who have similar problems. None of us knew how to parent when we had our children; we all learn as we go. The bottom line is that feeling blamed and feeling guilty prevents us from taking action; it keeps us stuck and feeling defeated. It becomes the lens we see things through, rather than through a clearer lens that focuses on behavioral change.

I recommend that you reach out to people who may also be going through some of the same struggles as you are. Keep reading Empowering Parents; join our Facebook community. It’s amazingly helpful, because you’ll see other parents who are having the exact same problems that you’re having with your child—and chances are you won’t blame or judge them. When you see yourself reflected in another person—who’s also trying their best to raise their child—you’ll have a much healthier sense of yourself.

Blame and guilt produce a lot of wasted energy and wasted feelings—the challenge is to get beyond these emotions. Your guilt usually has nothing to do with what’s going on with your child: his behavior can very possibly be beyond your control. You may really need some additional help, like The Total Transformation program or counseling, to implement change. The bottom line is that instead of feeling guilty or blaming yourself, what you need to do is move forward and change what you’re doing now.

"Am I a Bad Parent?" How to Let Go of Parenting Guilt reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. She held various roles during her career as a social worker, including juvenile probation officer, case manager and therapist. Janet also worked as a program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.

Are You Sure Your Cell Phone In Your Pocket Is Not Damaging Your ----?

2011-02-21T13:45:00.000-08:00

If you carry your cell phone in your pocket, you might want to move it! Why, you may ask.

Experiments and tests by Time Ferriss author of the The 4 Hour Body actully showed that prolonged contact with a man's testicles were affecting sperm count negatively and how! Tim did some experiments and decided to change the location of his cell phone to a back pocket.

Why not find out more about what happened when he did that! You will be surprised.

Mobile Phone Health

2010-12-03T09:52:00.000-08:00

Calm Parenting: How to Get Control When Your Child is Making You Angry

by Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC, Member of
The Total Transformation Advisory Board

Why is it so easy to go from “zero to 60” when our kids make us angry? There are many reasons, but I think it’s mainly because we allow ourselves to go to 60. And in a sense, when we get up to 60—when we react emotionally—we’re allowing the behavior of our kids to determine how we’ll behave rather than the other way around.

We do so many things automatically without even thinking about it. This is often because we believe that we need to get our kids under control, rather than taking a moment to stop and think and say, “Wait, let me get myself under control first before I respond.” The best way to prevent yourself from getting up to 60 is to recognize that you are going there—and what makes you go there. In fact, in my opinion, that is probably one of the most important things you can do as a parent.

When you try to manage your child’s behavior instead of your own anxiety, what you’re saying is, ‘I’m out of control. I need you to change so that I can feel better.

Here’s a secret: when you get yourself under control, your kids will also usually calm down. Remember, calm is contagious—and so is anxiety. When we as parents are nervous or anxious, it’s been proven that it creates anxiety in our kids. I would even go so far as to say that being emotionally reactive is probably your greatest concern as a parent. Think of it this way: if you can’t get calm—if you can’t get to zero—then what you’re really doing is inadvertently creating the exact atmosphere you’re trying to avoid.

Here’s an example. Let’s say you’re teaching your child how to ride a bike. Your child is not getting it and is being whiny and cranky and talks back to you. You’re frustrated, annoyed, angry and disappointed, because inside you somehow feel responsible to teach him to learn how to ride this bike, and he just won’t listen. Now you’re starting to get agitated about it. You yell at your child because you’re up to 60. The end result is that your child will probably fall off the bike. Here’s why: he’s so filled with the anxiety that’s surrounding him that he can’t concentrate. He’s feeling pushed to do something and he reacts to it by failing. What can you do? Instead of snapping and reacting because you feel like you have to get your child to learn how to ride the bike, try turning it around and ask yourself, “How do I get myself to really be calm and how will that be helpful for my child to get to where he needs to be?” Remind yourself that you’re not responsible to get him to ride the bike, you’re responsible to get yourself to zero. From there, you can think about the most effective way to help him learn.

This is why I say that if we can’t calm down we’ll probably create exactly what we’re trying to avoid—failure. Think about someone you know who is calm and serene; their presence helps center everybody in the room. When you’re calm, that’s the effect it has on your child and your family. It will help your child de-escalate, learn how to soothe himself when he’s nervous or agitated, and will make him better able to do what he has to do in tense moments. And in that moment, he won’t have to fight against you, because you’ve effectively taken that push-pull—the power struggle—away by being calm when he pushes your buttons.

By the way, I understand that nobody wants to go to 60—no one likes to be upset. I think most parents’ goal is to get to zero, but often they just don’t know how to do it. The truth is, everybody has to find the best way to do that for themselves. (I have some ideas about how to do that that I will explain in a moment.) But ultimately, it’s about understanding how important it is not to lose it—and not giving yourself permission to do so. And there’s a good reason for this. When we hit the roof in front of our kids, what we’re really communicating is “There are no grown-ups at home.” We’re saying that we can’t manage our anxiety. And when you try to manage your child’s behavior instead of your own anxiety, what you’re saying is, “I’m out of control. I need you to change so that I can feel better.” So the goal is to acknowledge what’s going on, and to understand how important it is to get control—and to ultimately gain control of ourselves. The question you’re probably asking is, “Easy for you to say. How am I going to get there?” Here are some things I’ve found to be helpful for parents when I work with them.

1. Make the commitment not to lose it. Remind yourself that you’re going to try to stay in control from now on. Notice what sets you off—is it your child ignoring you? Or does backtalk drive you up the wall? It’s not always easy, and I think it’s hard for anyone to control their temper 100 percent of the time, but still, making that first promise to yourself is the beginning of calm—for your whole family.

2. Expect that your child is going to push your buttons. Usually we get upset when our kids are not doing what we want them to do. They’re not listening or they’re not complying. In our heads, we start worrying that we’re not doing a good job as parents. We worry that we don’t know what to do to get them under our control. Sometimes, we fast forward to the future and wonder if this is how they’re going to be the rest of their lives. In short, we go through all sorts of faulty thinking. And in doing that, our anxiety goes way up. I think the best solution is to prepare for your child to push your buttons and not take it personally. In a sense, your child is doing his job (being a kid who can’t yet solve his problems)—and your job is to remain calm so you can guide him.

3. Realize what you aren’t responsible for. There’s confusion for many parents as to what we’re really responsible for and what we’re not responsible for. And so if you feel responsible for things that really don’t belong in your “box”—things like him getting up on time or having his homework completed—it will result in frustration. They don’t belong in your box—they belong in your child’s box. If you always think you’re responsible for how things turn out, then you’re going to be on your child in a way that’s going to create more stress and reactivity. So you can say, “I’m responsible for helping you figure out how to solve the problem. But I’m not responsible for solving the problem for you.” If you feel like you’re responsible for solving your child’s problems, then he’s not going to feel like he has to solve them himself. You’re going to become more and more agitated and try harder and harder. You’re not responsible for getting your child to listen to you, but you are responsible for deciding how to respond to him when he doesn’t listen to you.

So already you’re going to be calmer with that kind of thinking. If you feel responsible for getting your child to listen, think about it—just how are you supposed to do that? How is anyone supposed to get another person to do something; how are we supposed to control what somebody else really does? Instead, decide to be responsible for how you want to deal with your child if he doesn’t listen. Think about the kind of consequences you want to hand out, based on what you can and can’t live with—your own bottom line. In the long run, standing up for yourself will help you be the leader your kids need.

4. Prepare ahead of time. Notice when the anxiety is high and try to prepare for it. You might observe that every day at five o’clock, your family’s nerves are on edge. Everyone is home from work or school, they’re hungry, and they’re decompressing. For many families, it’s just a terrible time of day; everybody’s anxiety is up and patience is at low ebb. Ask yourself, “How am I going to handle this when I know my teen is going to come screaming at me? What do I do when she asks to use the car when she knows I’m going to say no?” Prepare yourself. Say, “This time, I’m not getting into an argument with her. Nobody can make me do that. I’m not giving her permission to hit my buttons.” Your stance should be, “No matter how hard you try to pull me into a power struggle, it’s not going to happen.” Let yourself be guided by the way you want to see yourself as a parent versus your feeling of the moment.

5. Ask yourself “What’s helped me in the past?” Start thinking about what’s helped you to manage your anxiety in the past. What’s helped to soothe you through something that makes you uncomfortable? Usually the first thing is to just commit yourself to not saying anything when that feeling comes up inside of you. In your head, you can say something like, “I’m not saying anything; I’m going to step back; I’m going to take a deep breath.” Give yourself that moment to be able to do whatever it is you need to do to get calmer. I always have to walk out of the room. Sometimes I go into the bedroom or bathroom, but I leave the situation temporarily. Remember: there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to react to your child.

6. Take a breath. Take a deep breath when you feel yourself escalating—and take a moment to think things through. There is a big difference between responding and reacting. When you respond, you’re actually taking some time to think about what you want to say. When you react, you’re just on autopilot. As much as possible, you want to respond thoughtfully to what your child is saying or doing. Make sure that you take that deep breath before you respond to your child because that moment will give you a chance to think about what you want to say.

Think of it this way: when we’re upset and trying to get our child to do what we want, we’re going to press harder. We’re going to try to control them more, to shape them up or talk some sense into them, so we yell harder. And we go from 20 to 40 and it keeps escalating. It might be the time of day. Perhaps your child has had a hard day and then we react to their mood. And then they respond in kind and it just escalates. The anxiety feeds on itself.

7. Keep some slogans in your head. Say something to yourself every time you feel your emotions rising. It can be anything from “Stop” or “Breathe” or “Slow down” to “Does it really matter?” or “Is this that important?” Whatever words will help you, take that moment and go through a list of priorities. I personally keep a mental picture handy to calm myself down: I think of a beautiful place in my mind that always calms and relaxes me. Try to come up with that mental picture for yourself. Working on that will increase your ability to be able to go there more automatically.

8. Think about what you want your relationship to look like. How do you want your relationship with your child to be some day? If the way things are now is not how you want your relationship to look in 25 years, start thinking about what you do want. Ask yourself, “Is how I’m responding to my child now going to help? Is that going to help me reach my goal?” This doesn’t mean that you should do what your child wants all the time—far from it. Standing by the rules of the house and giving consequences when your child acts out is all part of being an effective, loving parent. What it does mean is that you try to treat your child with respect—the way you want him to treat you. Keep that goal in your head. Ask yourself, “Will my response be worth it?” If your goal is to have a solid relationship with your child, will your reaction get you closer to that goal?

When your child is aggravating you, your thinking process at that moment is very important. The whole goal is really to be as objective as we can with what’s going on with ourselves and with our kids. Ask, “What’s my kid doing right now? What’s he trying to do? Is he reacting to tension in the house?” You don’t have to get him to listen, but you do have to understand what’s going on—and figure out how you’re going to respond to what’s going on. Then you can stay on track and not be pulled in a thousand different directions.

The thinking process itself helps us to calm down. As parents, what we’re really working toward is “What’s within my power to do to get myself calm?” So the less we can react, the better—and the more we think things through, the more positive the outcome will be. Thinking helps us to be calm and breathe; calm helps us to get to better thinking. Observing ourselves helps activate the thinking part of the brain and reduces the kind of “emotionality” that gets in the way of better thinking.

That’s really what we’re talking about here: responding thoughtfully rather than simply reacting. Someone once said, “Response comes from the word responsibility.” So it’s taking responsibility for how we want to act rather than having that knee-jerk reaction when our buttons are pushed. And if we can get our thinking out in front of our emotions, we’re going to do better as parents. And that’s really the goal.

Calm Parenting: How to Get Control When Your Child is Making You Angry reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

For more than 25 years, Debbie Pincus MS LMHC has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie also facilitates parenting groups and is the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

Parenting Teens

2010-10-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

Parenting Teens: Parental Authority vs. Peer Pressure

by James Lehman, MSW

It’s one of the hardest things parents deal with: even if you’re trying to raise your child the right way, as soon as he walks out the door, you know he’s going to be exposed to all sorts of negative—even dangerous—influences. From dress to attitude to a popular culture that says it’s cool to drink and do drugs, parents have every right to be concerned. Are you afraid to send your child out the door? In this insightful one–on–one interview, James Lehman gives you some honest advice.

In this case, you are the outside influence your child is resisting. Get ready, because if you don’t like something, he’s going to like it even more.

EP: James, why do teens tend to do the very things we tell them not to do?

JL: Like it or not, adolescents often gravitate toward the very things you fear and dislike. Your child doesn’t do this to annoy you; he’s doing it because his friends are doing it and because that’s the developmental stage he’s in. It’s a simple fact that even before your child hits the pre–teen years, he begins to pull away from you. Unfortunately, one of the primary ways he may do this is by engaging in behaviors you dislike. Suddenly, you see your 13–year–old daughter’s clothing and style morph into something age–inappropriate—or you notice that your shy 15–year–old son has started listening to music with violent or rude lyrics.

It’s important to remember that, as an adolescent, your child is learning how to be part of a group—and he’s terrified of not fitting in. Kids learn that to go along with others, you either enjoy what they’re doing or learn to hide your true feelings as a way to get by. And don’t forget, functionally, adolescents don’t want to just “get by” with their friends; they want to be popular and well–liked. In fact, the drive to be popular is probably the core value of most adolescents—and they often simply don’t realize what shaky ground they’re standing on when they take on that value.

Fitting into a group drives your teen’s development and defines who he is. Resisting authority makes him feel like an individual because he’s reaffirming who he is by resisting an outside influence. And in this case, you are the outside influence your child is resisting. Get ready, because if you don’t like something, he’s going to like it even more. Listening to music you don’t like feeds into his feeling of individuation—his sense of wanting to become his own individual. It’s not necessarily that he wants you to dislike his music, but if you do, that’s fine with him. The same thing happens with clothes, movies, and pop culture. The downside to that is that in our culture today, adolescents have access to very dangerous things—like drugs and alcohol—to a much greater degree than teens did 50 years ago. And that access gets easier as time goes on. Every year, younger and younger children can get drugs and alcohol. In my years of working with kids in high school, they would brag to me that they could get anything they wanted. And I’d question them. I’d say, “You mean like sleeping pills and barbiturates? Pain pills?” And they would answer, “Yeah, and heroin, crystal meth and coke.” Needless to say, these are very dangerous drugs—drugs where if you slip up and use too much, you die. Not only are they highly addictive, they’re fatal.

I think that children aren’t ready for that kind of temptation, and if their friends are doing it, they’re very much at risk. Now, in most areas, the peer pressure is not about hard drugs. In fact, I believe some of the peer pressure is against hard drugs. But certainly there’s a lot of pressure to use the drugs that kids see as “soft”: pot, ecstasy, and pharmaceuticals. And I want to clarify that I personally don’t see those substances as soft drugs—this is just how kids have presented the information to me.

So what’s going on in your child’s head? He thinks that nobody understands him but his peers. He thinks his parents are old–fashioned. He doesn’t like parental authority at this stage in his life. It’s an age where he’s actively looking for reasons to reject adults. Many times he’ll think, “If my parents believe something or like it, it’s automatically wrong.” Or he shrugs off whatever you say. All of these things factor into his readiness to test you, push the limits, and discard the opinions and insights of adults. You’ll find that you can hardly even give your adolescent child compliments—much less constructive criticism—without getting a defiant retort.

EP: If you notice that your child is changing and you don’t like it, how should you handle it?

JL: Understand that any criticism you give to the way your daughter dresses or uses makeup, or your son’s taste in music, only emboldens them further. In other words, any criticism you give makes it more urgent that they pursue these things. They may even be polite and not attack you for those opinions, and they may even consider them. But the effects of adult opinions are usually insufficient to cause kids to change. I believe this is because of the stress that’s on them socially. Don’t ever underestimate the power of peer pressure. When you hear the word “nerd,” think "parent." The truth is, you can tell your child something every day and just get an argument. Then one day, his best friend tells him the exact same thing, and now it’s gospel. That understandably drives parents crazy. You want to say, “I told you that!” But if you do, your child just says, “No, you didn’t.” He just doesn’t want to hear it.

Fifty or sixty years ago, there were still a lot of taboos about being rebellious or defiant to your parents. You could be a little rebellious, but you didn’t curse in front of them, much less call them names. You didn’t attack teachers or act disrespectfully toward them. But nowadays, kids say anything to their parents. They treat them any way they want to, and in many cases, they get away with it.

I also believe there is too much propaganda on TV, in the movies, and in music that convinces kids that they’ve got all the answers deep inside of them. I think it’s a mistake to tell kids that “The answers are inside you—you just have to search for them.” In my opinion, that’s a lot of garbage. It’s misleading for kids who may feel confused, overwhelmed, and as if there’s something wrong with them because they aren’t able to dig deep enough.

Even so, I think it’s the message kids want to hear so our culture pounds it into them. Adolescents like hearing, “You’re in charge; you’re in control; your time has come.” Unfortunately, for many teens, it couldn’t be further from the truth. And when a situation comes up where they truly need guidance or help, it makes them more likely to feel as if they can handle it on their own—and as if they’re in control—when they really aren’t.

EP: Can you say anything to your kids when they start behaving in ways that bother you?

JL: Personally, I look for ways not to fight with kids and to avoid power struggles. Again, I’m big on letting kids make decisions and on letting them be independent on the soft stuff that’s in the middle. If you picture decision–making as a room, imagine that in the middle of the room are all the “soft” decisions—including what kind of music your child likes, what kind of clothes your son wears, who your daughter’s favorite movie star is. The walls of the room are the hard decisions around things like health, safety and academic performance. In my opinion, anything in the middle of the room is fine for them to decide for themselves, but if your child starts pushing on the walls, I think you should push back. And state the rules very clearly: “No, you can’t use drugs. No, you can’t drink. No, you can’t stay out all night.” Don’t change your story line. Things like drugs and alcohol, shoplifting, damaging people’s property and assault are easy to define—this type of behavior is very black and white. Doing any of these things is wrong, and there are laws to prove it.

On the other hand, generally I think kids should be able to pick their own music, clothes and makeup. Unless there’s some moral problem with the way they’re dressing, this is a fight you don’t want to have—and you want to pick your fights carefully. I know that sexuality and clothing is a particularly sensitive area. While I think clothing shouldn’t be a big argument, I think kids, particularly adolescent girls, often dress in a very sexualized way today. If it becomes problematic for a parent, I think they need to set limits on it. This is something I believe that each family has to decide for themselves.

When it comes to music, the only thing I would say is “Keep the music down”—or have your child get a set of ear buds if you don’t want to hear it. Certainly, just because they’re teenagers doesn’t mean you have to listen to them blasting their music; they don’t have the right to disturb anybody else in the house. And if their choice in music is offensive or violent, I also think you can say, “You don’t have a right to listen to this music in my house,” and many parents do say that. I don’t think that’s wrong, but I don’t think it’s always effective either, because it doesn’t change anything. Kids who aren’t allowed to listen to certain kinds of music aren’t any less affected by pop culture. Ultimately, though, I believe it’s the parent’s choice.

Don’t forget, your child may not do the stuff you want him to do—and he may do things you don’t want him to do. But you have to make your family’s values and positions very, very clear so that when your child looks to find solid ground later, he’ll have something to revert back to. In other words, if the day comes when your child wants to follow his family’s values, the model will be there—no matter what those values were.

EP: James, is there any way you can protect your kids, so to speak, when they leave for the day?

JL: In my opinion, you can’t insulate your children from the world. There’s nothing you can do about that. You might try to protect them morally, spiritually or mentally, but you can’t isolate them from the world physically. And when they go out into the world, if they’re attracted to something, the bottom line is that you are not going to be able to stop them. If they want to do something, you have no control and you can’t change that.

But let’s talk about what you do have control over. Many kids have cell phones, video games, and computers at their disposal. All of these things are capable of introducing concepts, ideas, and behaviors to your child that you don’t agree with. I think it’s very important for you to exercise whatever control you can over what happens in your home—and that includes all the information that comes into your home, including TV and the Internet.

EP: Do you think parents are justified in spying on their kids’ activities?

JL: I’m not against parents spying on their kids, but I am against parents searching their kids’ rooms unless they tell them ahead of time. I think it’s reasonable to say, “I’m going to look in your room sometimes.” But again, I do think kids have to be told.

You can get computer programs to track the websites your children have visited. If you want, you can see every text message your child has sent or received. I support that, as long as you say to your child, “I’m going to check your text messages sometimes; I’m going to check your Facebook account.” You can also screen video games, but tell your child, “Don’t buy it before I screen it, because if I don’t like it, I’m getting rid of it. You can return it to the store or sell it.” Remember, you have the right to screen anything that comes into your home.

Parents can do anything they want, but I don’t think we should be sneaky about it—I think we have to be up front. And if you tell your child that you’ll be checking up on him and he gets angry about that, that’s too bad. The main thing is that you want your child to know how important this is to you. You can say, “Your safety and health is important to me, so this is what I’m going to do. And if you don’t like it, I understand. But this is still what I’m going to do.”

I think that it’s good to respect boundaries, and I support parents who do that. But I also support parents who say, “Hey, I can’t worry about a concept like boundaries when my son or daughter is using drugs; this is life and death.” If you saw somebody falling onto the subway tracks or the railroad tracks, you wouldn’t think about boundaries, you’d grab them and save them. So I understand and support parents when the situation is too critical to worry about boundaries.

EP: EP: How much control do you have over the things to which your child is exposed?

JL: I think it’s important to understand that you have no control over what your children are exposed to when they leave for the day. I mean, if you drive them to school during the school year, then they won’t be exposed to stuff on the school bus. But make no mistake, they’re exposed to whatever happens once they get there. If they go to an all–boys or an all–girls school, then they won’t be exposed to the opposite sex there, and that’s a choice many parents make. There are some things you can manage, but basically if your child lives in the world, your child will be exposed to the world. And unfortunately, it’s the same world you and I are exposed to, even though kids don’t have the mental capacity or maturity level that we have to deal with it. It’s a risky proposition, and I understand that.

So the only secondary control you have is through the beliefs, values, and morals that you teach to your kids. As a parent, you hope they’re going to make good decisions and that those values will exert some force opposing the negative influences out there. But each child is different, just like each adult is different, and there’s nothing you can do about that. Personally, I think parents expect too much of themselves if they think their own behavior in the home will prevent their child from making any mistakes in life.

Listen, I understand that it’s the most vulnerable thing in the world to know that your child is out there alone making decisions, some of which may be life–threatening. I’m not only talking about drug and alcohol use, but also decisions about shoplifting, risky sexual behavior, and who your child talks to online. And make no bones about it, if your child is committing crimes, he’s going to be arrested for them, and when he turns 18, he will be tried as an adult. Believe me, that’s going to affect him for the rest of their his life.

So parents have every reason to be concerned and worried, and to feel vulnerable. There’s nothing you can do except run a home where values are promoted and talked about. Don’t get into fights about it with your child—just keep your values clear. Values like “If you cop out with drugs and alcohol, you’ll miss the things you need to learn.”

EP: So is there any hope for kids out there today?

JL: You can hope, but you can also plan for things. I think parents need to plan their response to certain behaviors and actions before their kids undertake them. So discuss ahead of time, “What are we going to do if Jake smokes pot? What are we going to do if we find drugs in his bed? What are we going to do if he gets arrested or brought home by the cops? What is our response going to be? What is our tone going to be? What are our words going to be?” Really think about what is going to be the most effective way to respond. Just because somebody uses drugs once doesn’t mean they’re lost forever. Certainly you want to have a way of responding to the situation that’s not hysterical, and nothing promotes that like parents talking about it ahead of time.

By the way, I see the plan as a set of guidelines that you come up with ahead of time. Talk about what you want to communicate as opposed to what you’re going to say. This is because when you are faced with this moment, you may not say what you thought you were going to say.

EP: What kind of conversations should you have with your child about what they’re seeing or experiencing?

JL: Again, you should tell your child how risky some of these things are. Ideally, you’ve been talking about this with him for five years already. At the age of eight, nine, and ten, you want to start introducing these topics. You might use smoking as an example. “See that guy smoking? That’s so bad for you. I don’t think people should do that. It makes you sick and it costs a lot of money.” Your child might answer, “Why does he do it, then?” You can say, “Because he didn’t listen to his parents.” Make that clear. Always throw in that his parents didn’t want him to do it, or that his parents told him not to smoke. It’s very important that your child has a sense of, “If I don’t listen to my parents, I could get into trouble.” In my opinion, that’s a really healthy thing for kids to fear.

EP: Is there anything else you would recommend to parents?

JL: Yes, I think one of the most important things for parents to do is avoid name–calling. Don’t make character references about your child because of some mistake in judgment that he made. In other words, let’s say you catch your child smoking pot. I think it’s one thing to tell him that the choice was wrong, that he’s accountable for what he did, and that there will be consequences. But parents shouldn’t be calling their kids “losers” or judging their character because they screwed up. That’s not healthy.

As parents, sometimes we think that somehow we have to hurt our kids in order for the behavior to stop. That’s the mentality behind smacking your child on his butt—that somehow he won’t stop misbehaving until it hurts. Personally, I don’t buy that. I think you can use consequences to make people uncomfortable. So in that sense, your child not being able to use his cell phone should hurt. I think when parents start viciously attacking or calling names, they’re really being ineffective. It doesn’t change the behavior, and it negatively affects your relationship, in addition to being hurtful and mean.

So let’s say your child is smoking pot, and you say, “You little scum bag, you really disappoint me, you lied to me you little jerk.” If you’re saying this to him now, what are you going to say to him when he’s 30? Remember, just because you have the power to say something doesn’t mean you should say it. What good is calling your child names ever going to do? Do you think he’s not going to shoot heroin because you called him a bum? Do you think he’ll say, “Oh, my God, I didn’t know you felt that way, Dad.” No way. Calling names doesn’t help—it just creates more bad feelings. If you’re disappointed, certainly say so. But saying hurtful things just takes away any influence you might have had on your child’s drug use.

I always tell parents “If being mean or angry helped, therapists would be out of business.” I state that very clearly and honestly. The fact is, therapists are in business because being hurtful, mean and angry doesn’t help and probably makes the problem worse.

EP: James, in your opinion is there anything about which a parent can be certain?

JL: I don’t think you can truly make sure of anything. Part of the sweet sadness of being a parent is that you do the best you can with your kids and then they go off on their own. They have tastes of their own and dreams of their own from a very early age, whether or not they let you in on it. As your kids individuate more, you’ll see them liking things you don’t like, and not liking things you do like; they just might not talk about it because they’re afraid to upset you. I know it’s a very hard thing to do, but I pity the parent who can’t let go. I believe that’s part of the reason why there’s so much fighting between parents and adolescents, because neither party is comfortable with what's happening. The parents are not comfortable with their child becoming more independent and the adolescent is not comfortable dealing with his parent’s disapproval, so they fight. Remember, for the first years of your child’s life, all he wanted was your approval. He feels a reaction when he's pushing you away, but he can't help it. And that’s where the frustration and anger comes in. It can be such an unhappy time in a family’s life.

There really are no easy answers. The idea of letting a child out into the world filled with dangers is a parent’s worst nightmare. One of the reasons it’s so hard is because you’re powerless over your kids. You spend all these years protecting your kids; you’re ready to jump in front of a bus to save them, but when the day comes when they do something risky, you’re powerless over it. It’s awful, but parenting is not for sissies. I think the best thing you can do as a parent is to recognize your own limitations and learn how to be more effective if you can. And then really put a lot into those areas where it matters and keep role modeling.

Parenting Teens: Parental Authority vs. Peer Pressure reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Why Child Counseling Doesn't Always Work

2010-08-31T03:06:00.000-07:00

Why Child Counseling Doesn't Always Work

by James Lehman, MSW

Have you sent your acting-out, verbally abusive or behaviorally-disordered child to counseling, only to find that it didn't improve his behavior at all? Or maybe counseling worked for awhile, but then your child fell back into the same old patterns of behavior. Counseling for kids can be effective and helpful, but not all counseling is the same. We sat down with James Lehman to hear what he had to say about finding the right type of counseling for your child—and the kind of training parents need to become the “agents of change” in their families.

Sometimes a child's needs are so huge that therapy isn't enough—so your child needs more of a foundation at home.

EP: James, counseling is an effective tool for parents, but many of our readers report that it doesn’t always work. Why do you think that’s the case?

JL: Many kids do very well with counseling and therapy, but there are also a very significant number of children and teens who don't. I think the reason that they don't is because their pathology is so overwhelming that 45 minutes in a therapist's office is not going to address it properly. If your child is in counseling, I believe the therapist should not be the only one who has the training to deal with your child. As the parent, you need to have training available to you to learn how to present a consistent structure for your child. In other words, you need to know the things the therapist knows about how to manage your child’s behavior and how to teach him to solve problems.

EP: Why is that?

JL: Many kids come into therapy with basic problem-solving skills. It might be that something is interfering with that temporarily—maybe it's grief or post traumatic stress disorder from abuse or an accident. But when kids come into therapy and they haven't developed those problem-solving skills that are appropriate—when their problem-solving skills are basically aggression and giving threats and battling with people to get their way—it’s not just a matter of dealing with the issue at hand and moving on and getting them back on the natural course of their lives. For these kids, they have to learn how to function appropriately from day one. So not only are you dealing with your child’s behavior, but you're also dealing with the basic apparatus of how he sees the world and solves problems—you’re not rehabilitating them, you’re starting from scratch.

[[textads1:left]]I think the term “rehabilitate” is an interesting word because it means “return to its former state.” So you can see where therapy for kids is often rehabilitative. It returns them to their former state of functioning. But rehabilitation doesn't deal with a large number of kids who never had a former state of successful functioning to begin with. For them, it's not about returning—it’s about learning appropriate coping skills. These are the kinds of kids who need help in the home. And that's why I think counseling doesn't always work—because it's not enough for them, or for their parents.

Again, I think there are many, many kids for whom therapy is just not sufficient. It's not whether it's effective or ineffective. In order for a real transformation to take place, the parents have to acquire the skills in the home that are needed to create lasting behavioral change.

EP: James, how can you expect an acting-out child to respond to counseling at first?

JL: If your child sees his acting-out behavior as his power base, any counselor—or outsider—who challenges that behavior is going to be met with hostility, aggression and rejection because they're threatening your child's power base.

That’s because if your child is acting out, he’s getting power in your house by using that acting-out behavior. He gets a sense of control. And that's his personal sense, by the way—you might not look at it that way. But a closer examination shows that in most families, the acting-out kid has more power. He is talked to differently, approached differently, and has different expectations placed upon him. In most families, the acting-out child has raised the family’s tolerance for deviant and aggressive behavior. That’s because his behavior ratchets up your tolerance; you're going to tolerate more and more, you’re going to accept a broader and broader range of inappropriate actions and comments because you're afraid of the acting out. So in that sense, it gives your acting-out kid a lot of power and control. And that, of course, is the problem.

If your child can get power and control by acting out, then he doesn't need to learn how to get power and control by solving problems. Most of us get control of our lives by learning social skills: that means learning how to solve problems and learning to function appropriately in society. Kids who act out behaviorally don't. For whatever reason, they take a shortcut, and that shortcut uses abuse and threats to manage emotional conflicts or functional disagreements.

Since this occurs in the home or in the classroom, I think the only thing that's effective is to empower parents and teachers with the knowledge that they need to deal with this kind of child. Simply put, they need to retrain him and teach him the problem-solving skills he needs.

EP: What should you look for in a therapist for your child? And what kinds of questions should you ask when you find one?

JL: I recommend that parents look for a therapist with experience in managing behaviorally acting-out children. Working with your child is not the place to get on-the-job training. You want somebody who knows what they're doing. And then you want somebody who can tell you how to accomplish some of the techniques at home that they use in their office. If they’re trying to get your child to comply more, they need to share the skills and tools they're using. Remember, therapy is not magic. Therapy is repetition; it's the development of problem-solving skills. It’s the development of an understanding of self and a lot of repetition and rehearsal in certain patterns of thoughts, as well as certain patterns of behavior.

I also want to say that there are no specific guidelines for parents about when to turn to outside help. I think parents should get assessments before they make a decision to enter into counseling. I believe that any kid who goes into counseling should be assessed first by a psychologist or a psychiatrist as to the exact nature of what's wrong with him. I think it’s very important to understand the basic pathology. There's a basic pathology, or set of symptoms, that is associated with kids who have oppositional defiant disorder or attention deficit disorder, for example. And I think that diagnosis then drives the counseling that drives the treatment.

When you first find a therapist, I would also recommend asking them to do an assessment of your child and develop a treatment plan based on that assessment. The treatment plan should be in writing so that you can see the general outline, and the goals that will be accomplished as well as time frames.

I think a good question for a therapist is, “What was your biggest success with a kid and how did you make that happen?” Ask some questions and write them down before you get there.

You need to know a time frame for change. Ask, “What am I going to see that's different in my child’s behavior in eight weeks?” I think it’s important to give your child’s therapist a reasonable timeframe; eight weeks is generally enough time for a counselor to get something going on. If you’re using the Total Transformation or another parenting program at home, be sure to inform the therapist so you are all on the same page.

EP: What would you say to a parent who has sent their child to therapy, but has seen no real change or difference in behavior?

JL: I don’t want to criticize therapists or counselors who are doing the best they can. In my opinion, if you send your child to two or three therapists and it doesn't work, that's more of a reflection on your child, not the therapists. Sometimes a child’s needs are so huge that therapy isn't enough—so your child needs more of a foundation at home.

I also think that in the mental health profession, there are a lot of child therapists who don't know how to train parents. That’s not their fault—they weren’t taught in graduate school that this was their role. They were taught that the arena for change is the client. So to them, the kid is actually the focus for change, and not the family. I think successful child counseling comes about if the therapist also trains the parents on how to accomplish things at home.

EP: If you have a child with acting-out behavior, do you think a family therapist is a good way to go?

JL: Personally, I think a therapist who has experience and training with managing acting-out behavior—and who understands the thinking that underlies the acting-out behavior—is your best option. Family therapy often assumes that the family is the problem, but I think that the family is the arena for change. It’s also where change has to take place. I think parents are agents of that change—but in classical thinking, counselors and social workers are the change agents.

I believe it's the parents—and the teachers—that need the training. In my opinion, the most effective use of counseling time is to empower parents with the tools they need to not only manage their child’s behavior at home, but also challenge it in a way so the misbehavior is used as a teaching tool. This way, parents can be more effective in teaching their child to learn how to solve problems differently the next time they happen.

That's why I believe in empowering parents: so they can become the agents of change in their families.

Why Child Counseling Doesn't Always Work reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Do You Feel Like Your Child's Behavior is Your Fault?

2010-08-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

Do You Feel Like Your Child's Behavior is Your Fault?

by James Lehman, MSW

When you’re the parent of an acting-out child, it’s easy to feel as if you’re to blame for their behavior. As a result, you can fall into the trap of trying to fix things for your child instead of letting them deal with the natural and logical consequences of their behavior. In this interview, James Lehman explains some of the ineffective roles parents fall into, and tells you why it’s important to identify what you’re doing so you can change—and help your child change, too.

It doesn’t matter who’s to blame, what matters is who’s taking responsibility.

EP: How do parents fall into the trap of taking responsibility for their kids’ behavior?

JL: It’s my experience that parents do the best they can. As their kids grow older, their parenting style evolves. You may start out parenting one way, but based on problems with your child, changes in your family’s situation and new information you learn from books and experts, your parenting style evolves. This is a natural process, but unfortunately, sometimes it evolves into doing things that aren’t constructive. On top of that, as your child gets older, you might find yourself taking responsibility for his acting-out behavior because you start to feel like it’s your fault. This is how your relationship with your child can become a game of emotional blackmail: he has learned to take the stance of, “Agree with me or face my attitude.”

Parents end up getting stuck in certain roles that accommodate this stance—roles that aren’t healthy in terms of getting their child to take responsibility. They may play these roles throughout their kid’s early childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood.

EP: What are some of the most common roles parents fall into when they start assuming their child’s behavior is their fault?

In the Total Transformation Program, I identify seven ineffective parenting roles. When we’re talking about feeling guilt and taking on kids’ responsibilities, I think some roles to consider are: The Martyr, The Ticket Puncher, Bottomless Pockets, and The Savior Roles.

The Martyr Role: Parents in the Martyr role take on their children’s responsibilities. Martyrs work hard to prevent their children from experiencing any unhappiness or distress—even if that distress is a natural consequence of their behavior. What children learn from Martyr parents is if they act helpless long enough, somebody will do it for them.

The flip side of this lesson is the child learns that the parent has no confidence in him. In fact, the child grows to believe is that he is not able to achieve tasks, earn approval, or manage his own behavior. He becomes dependent on others and he never gets to experience learning or doing for himself.

The Ticket Puncher Role: Parents in the Ticket Puncher role give approval no matter what. Imagine a train conductor punching people’s tickets as they get on the train. The child is given a “good job” or “nice work” even when he didn’t try his best or didn’t finish cleaning his room properly.

[[textads1:left]]As the child grows up, these parents constantly lower their expectations for his behavior while at the same time continuing to give unconditional acceptance. The child learns to demand unconditional approval no matter how poor his performance is.

Bottomless Pockets: Parents who develop the Bottomless Pockets role overindulge their child materially—and they often do this to stop him from acting out or being demanding. They buy their kids things in order to get acceptance or allegiance from them. Often these parents spend money they don’t have; it’s easier for them to go into debt than to suffer the reaction when their child hears the word “no.” Bottomless Pockets parents also don’t require their children to earn things. Money is handed out to avoid problems, rather than as a reward for meeting expectations. Few limits are set on these kids when it comes to their buying habits, so they never learn to prioritize needs from wants. A child raised in this way acquires a false sense of entitlement—he believes that he deserves these things, so he begins to demand them at an early age. Along with this false sense of entitlement, comes a disdain for work and sacrifice, and hostility toward being evaluated or assessed. The child also learns to use material measurements. He doesn’t have a sense of self-worth based on the job or his accomplishments. Work becomes a reflection of material items only.

The Savior Role: When parents are in the Savior role, they tend to protect their kids from the natural and legal consequences of their behavior—they run in and actually rescue their kids. They’ll fight with the school about consequences, whether it’s a suspension or petty crime. They predict negative outcomes in order to get their way, using statements, like “If you don’t listen to my plan for my child, you’re only hurting him. You’ll destroy his self-esteem and ruin his future.” And they’ll use that for everything from the expectations for a math course, to punishment the school is giving out to their child for disobeying the rules. Parents in the Savior Role will often stop at nothing to save their child. The sad thing is, they have no way of knowing that, in the end, they are only doing their child a disservice; he’s not learning how to face the consequences of his choices.

EP: James, when you’re in one of the ineffective roles, you might not even realize you’re being ineffective. How do you know?

JL: Well, you often don’t. And by the time you realize it, it’s often been going on for quite some time. Parents in these roles are constantly playing catch-up. As their children evolve, and test limits and act out more, these parents are always trying to catch up to them.

If you see yourself in one or more of these roles with your older child, chances are you’re still trying to play catch-up, but the train has already left the station. You keep doing the same thing, and your child still keeps acting out, or the behavior escalates to a point that feels beyond your control.

I remember working with parents who had young adult children in their early twenties who took no responsibility whatsoever. The parents paid for their cars and their insurance. Their children lived at home and were often very demanding about meals, having guests over, and everything else. Many of these kids couldn’t or wouldn’t keep a job, but they always blamed the company and the manager when they were let go. They did not know how to take responsibility.

One family that I worked with never confronted their adult son or held him accountable. After awhile, he gave up on getting a job at all and just lived off his parents. The last I saw of him, he had pulled a knife on his father. The police were called and charges were pressed, but sadly, it was too little too late.

EP: What if you feel responsible for making your child like this in the first place?

JL: That’s a good question. Parents need to remember that there’s a difference between responsibility and remorse, guilt, or shame. I tell parents all the time that it doesn’t matter whose fault it is, what matters is who’s here today in the office. It doesn’t matter who’s to blame, what matters is who’s taking responsibility. Of course parents make mistakes. Of course they inadvertently get into negative patterns and behaviors raising their kids. But half the battle is to understand what those patterns are and to work on changing them.

Some parents have easy kids who do what they’re supposed to do, and they learn how to comply as a coping skill. These kids learn that very early on, and they spend their adolescent years trying to comply. They might rebel at some point, but they don’t do anything abusive or nasty. My message to parents is that you may feel guilty about some things that you did, you may feel bad about them, but the bottom line is that if you’re seeking knowledge, if you’re seeking parental guidance programs, if you’re reading this article, then you’re taking responsibility now. And that is to be respected. You’re going to have feelings of remorse and guilt. Parents often do. Many divorced parents feel this acutely. But the bottom line is that you’re not perfect, you make mistakes. And starting today, if you can learn to do something differently, then you’re taking responsibility.

Now, expect your child to react with a lot of anger and hostility when you do try something different. There will be a lot of blaming and a lot of blackmail. Your child may say, “This is all your fault; this happened because you and Dad got divorced.” He is going to resist any limits you try to set. That’s why I believe parents need to have a plan. Figure out ahead of time how you’re going to start holding your child accountable. Parents need to have an outline of what they’re going to do to hold their child responsible if and when their kid rebels. Once you do that, you’ve got to be pretty straight about it. Talk to your child about what will be changing and what they’re doing, but do it when things are going well. Don’t have this conversation after a conflict or a fight. When things are calm, sit down and introduce some ideas to your child.

EP: How can you stop martyring yourself with your kids? What is the responsible way to get them to be accountable for themselves?

JL: Let’s say today is the first day you’re realizing, “Okay, I have to change the way I’m parenting my child or he’s never going to be able to get up on his own two feet.” How do you do that?

I think one of the things that you need to do is to identify yourself with the ineffective parenting roles that you’re playing and work on changing them. There are also effective parenting roles that I’ve identified in the Total Transformation. These roles are the Training and Coaching Role, Limit-Setting Role, and the Problem-Solving Role. I think parents should find that kind of information and learn a different parenting style. It’s very important that parents get some background information and know what they want to accomplish.

I believe that if parents learn these three basic roles, they’ll become more effective in getting their kids to perform. I think kids need training and coaching much more than they need therapy. Acting-out kids need to learn the skills that will allow them to do things they need to do to feel better.

The Problem Solving Role: Help your child to problem-solve and learn new skills. Do a little interview with a short discussion. “I think I’ve been doing too much for you, but I realize that’s not healthy for you or for me. What do you think you can do differently the next time I ask you to clean your room? What can you do to remind yourself that you can't expect Dad or me to do it for you?” And see what your child says. If he doesn’t give you an answer, help him out. “Well, you could clean it yourself.” And then remind him what you talked about when the time comes for him to take care of his responsibilities.

The Training and Coaching Role: This role also teaches kids skill building. The Training and Coaching roles involve reinforcing—telling kids how to do specific things and then reinforcing it throughout the course of the week. So when something comes up, you can say, “Jessie, we talked on Saturday about how you were going to deal with that, remember? You were going to do your chores and not tease your sister. And so, let’s see you do that.”

Think of it this way: a coach at a baseball game will be saying, “Good catch, Jessie.” He’ll also be saying, “C’mon Jessie, we worked on batting all week. Get out there and do it now. I want to see you do it better.” And that’s what you, as the parent, should be saying. “Look, we’ve been working on compliance this week, and you need to do your chores. Let’s get out there and do them.” I think it’s very effective when you couple this with task-oriented consequences. Consequences like, “You have no TV until those chores are done.” Here’s the deal: instead of the fallacy that says “I’m going to feel better by talking about my feelings,” the coaching role says you have to feel better by learning how to do things better.

The Limit-setting Role: The Limit-setting Role is the third role you need to play in order to make your child be accountable. I believe families need an authority figure. If your family doesn’t have a clear authority figure, it will show. Kids need parents who will set limits and follow through. Kids need parents who are going to say, “You can’t go out tonight; it’s a school night,” and not apologize for it. You keep it as simple as possible. You don’t make speeches about responsibility, I think parents do too much justifying and not enough of being the authority figure and establishing and maintaining rules and roles.

Limit-setting parents are also task-oriented. They set out their expectations clearly and look at their child’s performance in terms of tasks, not in terms of attitude. It’s not that “I want you to feel good about yourself and have a good attitude,” it’s that, “I want you to get your chores done.” The theory is this: If you get your child to do his chores or homework, he’ll feel good about himself and have a better attitude. Remember, you can’t fix his attitude. Once you take responsibility for your child’s attitude, you’re hurting. And you’re stuck, because then every time your child frowns, you’ve got to make it a smile. A lot of parents take on the responsibility for their child’s attitude. They end up treating their kids like they’re infants. But the bottom line is that the Limit-setting parent sets out expectations really clearly and makes things task-oriented. The beauty of it is that you’re teaching your child how to comply by behaving his way to better feelings.

EP: Is it possible for the adult child, who has never taken care of himself, to change?

JL: Absolutely. Positively. People change all the time—even older children with ingrained habits—but they don’t change voluntarily. And I’ll tell you something, change is not as difficult as you think. People just need a plan for change. The difficulty comes with the resistance to change.

Do You Feel Like Your Child's Behavior is Your Fault? reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Parenting Teens: Parental Authority vs. Peer Pressure

2010-08-24T11:20:00.000-07:00