Do You Feel Like Your Child's Behavior is Your Fault?

by James Lehman, MSW

When you’re the parent of an acting-out child, it’s easy to feel as if you’re to blame for their behavior. As a result, you can fall into the trap of trying to fix things for your child instead of letting them deal with the natural and logical consequences of their behavior. In this interview, James Lehman explains some of the ineffective roles parents fall into, and tells you why it’s important to identify what you’re doing so you can change—and help your child change, too.

It doesn’t matter who’s to blame, what matters is who’s taking responsibility.

EP: How do parents fall into the trap of taking responsibility for their kids’ behavior?

JL: It’s my experience that parents do the best they can. As their kids grow older, their parenting style evolves. You may start out parenting one way, but based on problems with your child, changes in your family’s situation and new information you learn from books and experts, your parenting style evolves. This is a natural process, but unfortunately, sometimes it evolves into doing things that aren’t constructive. On top of that, as your child gets older, you might find yourself taking responsibility for his acting-out behavior because you start to feel like it’s your fault. This is how your relationship with your child can become a game of emotional blackmail: he has learned to take the stance of, “Agree with me or face my attitude.”

Parents end up getting stuck in certain roles that accommodate this stance—roles that aren’t healthy in terms of getting their child to take responsibility. They may play these roles throughout their kid’s early childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood.

EP: What are some of the most common roles parents fall into when they start assuming their child’s behavior is their fault?

In the Total Transformation Program, I identify seven ineffective parenting roles. When we’re talking about feeling guilt and taking on kids’ responsibilities, I think some roles to consider are: The Martyr, The Ticket Puncher, Bottomless Pockets, and The Savior Roles.

The Martyr Role: Parents in the Martyr role take on their children’s responsibilities. Martyrs work hard to prevent their children from experiencing any unhappiness or distress—even if that distress is a natural consequence of their behavior. What children learn from Martyr parents is if they act helpless long enough, somebody will do it for them.

The flip side of this lesson is the child learns that the parent has no confidence in him. In fact, the child grows to believe is that he is not able to achieve tasks, earn approval, or manage his own behavior. He becomes dependent on others and he never gets to experience learning or doing for himself.

The Ticket Puncher Role: Parents in the Ticket Puncher role give approval no matter what. Imagine a train conductor punching people’s tickets as they get on the train. The child is given a “good job” or “nice work” even when he didn’t try his best or didn’t finish cleaning his room properly.



[[textads1:left]]As the child grows up, these parents constantly lower their expectations for his behavior while at the same time continuing to give unconditional acceptance. The child learns to demand unconditional approval no matter how poor his performance is.

Bottomless Pockets: Parents who develop the Bottomless Pockets role overindulge their child materially—and they often do this to stop him from acting out or being demanding. They buy their kids things in order to get acceptance or allegiance from them. Often these parents spend money they don’t have; it’s easier for them to go into debt than to suffer the reaction when their child hears the word “no.” Bottomless Pockets parents also don’t require their children to earn things. Money is handed out to avoid problems, rather than as a reward for meeting expectations. Few limits are set on these kids when it comes to their buying habits, so they never learn to prioritize needs from wants. A child raised in this way acquires a false sense of entitlement—he believes that he deserves these things, so he begins to demand them at an early age. Along with this false sense of entitlement, comes a disdain for work and sacrifice, and hostility toward being evaluated or assessed. The child also learns to use material measurements. He doesn’t have a sense of self-worth based on the job or his accomplishments. Work becomes a reflection of material items only.

The Savior Role: When parents are in the Savior role, they tend to protect their kids from the natural and legal consequences of their behavior—they run in and actually rescue their kids. They’ll fight with the school about consequences, whether it’s a suspension or petty crime. They predict negative outcomes in order to get their way, using statements, like “If you don’t listen to my plan for my child, you’re only hurting him. You’ll destroy his self-esteem and ruin his future.” And they’ll use that for everything from the expectations for a math course, to punishment the school is giving out to their child for disobeying the rules. Parents in the Savior Role will often stop at nothing to save their child. The sad thing is, they have no way of knowing that, in the end, they are only doing their child a disservice; he’s not learning how to face the consequences of his choices.



EP: James, when you’re in one of the ineffective roles, you might not even realize you’re being ineffective. How do you know?

JL: Well, you often don’t. And by the time you realize it, it’s often been going on for quite some time. Parents in these roles are constantly playing catch-up. As their children evolve, and test limits and act out more, these parents are always trying to catch up to them.

If you see yourself in one or more of these roles with your older child, chances are you’re still trying to play catch-up, but the train has already left the station. You keep doing the same thing, and your child still keeps acting out, or the behavior escalates to a point that feels beyond your control.

I remember working with parents who had young adult children in their early twenties who took no responsibility whatsoever. The parents paid for their cars and their insurance. Their children lived at home and were often very demanding about meals, having guests over, and everything else. Many of these kids couldn’t or wouldn’t keep a job, but they always blamed the company and the manager when they were let go. They did not know how to take responsibility.

One family that I worked with never confronted their adult son or held him accountable. After awhile, he gave up on getting a job at all and just lived off his parents. The last I saw of him, he had pulled a knife on his father. The police were called and charges were pressed, but sadly, it was too little too late.

EP: What if you feel responsible for making your child like this in the first place?

JL: That’s a good question. Parents need to remember that there’s a difference between responsibility and remorse, guilt, or shame. I tell parents all the time that it doesn’t matter whose fault it is, what matters is who’s here today in the office. It doesn’t matter who’s to blame, what matters is who’s taking responsibility. Of course parents make mistakes. Of course they inadvertently get into negative patterns and behaviors raising their kids. But half the battle is to understand what those patterns are and to work on changing them.

Some parents have easy kids who do what they’re supposed to do, and they learn how to comply as a coping skill. These kids learn that very early on, and they spend their adolescent years trying to comply. They might rebel at some point, but they don’t do anything abusive or nasty. My message to parents is that you may feel guilty about some things that you did, you may feel bad about them, but the bottom line is that if you’re seeking knowledge, if you’re seeking parental guidance programs, if you’re reading this article, then you’re taking responsibility now. And that is to be respected. You’re going to have feelings of remorse and guilt. Parents often do. Many divorced parents feel this acutely. But the bottom line is that you’re not perfect, you make mistakes. And starting today, if you can learn to do something differently, then you’re taking responsibility.

Now, expect your child to react with a lot of anger and hostility when you do try something different. There will be a lot of blaming and a lot of blackmail. Your child may say, “This is all your fault; this happened because you and Dad got divorced.” He is going to resist any limits you try to set. That’s why I believe parents need to have a plan. Figure out ahead of time how you’re going to start holding your child accountable. Parents need to have an outline of what they’re going to do to hold their child responsible if and when their kid rebels. Once you do that, you’ve got to be pretty straight about it. Talk to your child about what will be changing and what they’re doing, but do it when things are going well. Don’t have this conversation after a conflict or a fight. When things are calm, sit down and introduce some ideas to your child.

EP: How can you stop martyring yourself with your kids? What is the responsible way to get them to be accountable for themselves?

JL: Let’s say today is the first day you’re realizing, “Okay, I have to change the way I’m parenting my child or he’s never going to be able to get up on his own two feet.” How do you do that?

I think one of the things that you need to do is to identify yourself with the ineffective parenting roles that you’re playing and work on changing them. There are also effective parenting roles that I’ve identified in the Total Transformation. These roles are the Training and Coaching Role, Limit-Setting Role, and the Problem-Solving Role. I think parents should find that kind of information and learn a different parenting style. It’s very important that parents get some background information and know what they want to accomplish.

I believe that if parents learn these three basic roles, they’ll become more effective in getting their kids to perform. I think kids need training and coaching much more than they need therapy. Acting-out kids need to learn the skills that will allow them to do things they need to do to feel better.

The Problem Solving Role: Help your child to problem-solve and learn new skills. Do a little interview with a short discussion. “I think I’ve been doing too much for you, but I realize that’s not healthy for you or for me. What do you think you can do differently the next time I ask you to clean your room? What can you do to remind yourself that you can't expect Dad or me to do it for you?” And see what your child says. If he doesn’t give you an answer, help him out. “Well, you could clean it yourself.” And then remind him what you talked about when the time comes for him to take care of his responsibilities.

The Training and Coaching Role: This role also teaches kids skill building. The Training and Coaching roles involve reinforcing—telling kids how to do specific things and then reinforcing it throughout the course of the week. So when something comes up, you can say, “Jessie, we talked on Saturday about how you were going to deal with that, remember? You were going to do your chores and not tease your sister. And so, let’s see you do that.”

Think of it this way: a coach at a baseball game will be saying, “Good catch, Jessie.” He’ll also be saying, “C’mon Jessie, we worked on batting all week. Get out there and do it now. I want to see you do it better.” And that’s what you, as the parent, should be saying. “Look, we’ve been working on compliance this week, and you need to do your chores. Let’s get out there and do them.” I think it’s very effective when you couple this with task-oriented consequences. Consequences like, “You have no TV until those chores are done.” Here’s the deal: instead of the fallacy that says “I’m going to feel better by talking about my feelings,” the coaching role says you have to feel better by learning how to do things better.

The Limit-setting Role: The Limit-setting Role is the third role you need to play in order to make your child be accountable. I believe families need an authority figure. If your family doesn’t have a clear authority figure, it will show. Kids need parents who will set limits and follow through. Kids need parents who are going to say, “You can’t go out tonight; it’s a school night,” and not apologize for it. You keep it as simple as possible. You don’t make speeches about responsibility, I think parents do too much justifying and not enough of being the authority figure and establishing and maintaining rules and roles.

Limit-setting parents are also task-oriented. They set out their expectations clearly and look at their child’s performance in terms of tasks, not in terms of attitude. It’s not that “I want you to feel good about yourself and have a good attitude,” it’s that, “I want you to get your chores done.” The theory is this: If you get your child to do his chores or homework, he’ll feel good about himself and have a better attitude. Remember, you can’t fix his attitude. Once you take responsibility for your child’s attitude, you’re hurting. And you’re stuck, because then every time your child frowns, you’ve got to make it a smile. A lot of parents take on the responsibility for their child’s attitude. They end up treating their kids like they’re infants. But the bottom line is that the Limit-setting parent sets out expectations really clearly and makes things task-oriented. The beauty of it is that you’re teaching your child how to comply by behaving his way to better feelings.

EP: Is it possible for the adult child, who has never taken care of himself, to change?

JL: Absolutely. Positively. People change all the time—even older children with ingrained habits—but they don’t change voluntarily. And I’ll tell you something, change is not as difficult as you think. People just need a plan for change. The difficulty comes with the resistance to change.

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Do You Feel Like Your Child's Behavior is Your Fault? reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Difficult Child?

What happens if you have a difficult child who says all the time 'I don't care '? How can you leran to motivate them? James lehamn has written a really helpful article which shows that behavior modification is the key to solving problem behavior with a difficult child.

Motivating Underachievers Part I:
When Your Child Says "I Don't Care"

by James Lehman, MSW

Are you facing the new school year with dread because you have an unmotivated or underachieving teen or pre-teen? Is your child’s answer to everything, “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t matter?” In Part I of this two-part series, James Lehman, MSW explains why your child does have motivation—and how you can coach them to better behavior.

Once you realize that your adolescent is motivated to do nothing, it will become obvious to you right away that he actually puts a lot of energy into doing that “nothing.”

The first thing to understand about teens and pre-teens who seem to have no motivation is this simple truth: It's impossible to have no motivation. Everybody is motivated—it just depends on what they’re motivated to do. I think it's helpful to see that rather than being unmotivated, these kids are actually motivated to not perform and to resist their parents. In other words, they’re motivated to do nothing.

Parents often think that if they can find a new way to encourage their child, he or she will magically start achieving more. I don't think it's like that at all. In fact, I think the problem is that these kids are motivated to resist, withdraw and under-perform. In effect, instead of acting out, they’re acting in.

Think of lack of motivation as an action problem—and the action is to resist. These kids are making excuses; they’re pushing their parents away. At school, they’re motivated to resist studying and homework. They're also motivated to resist their teachers. Look at it this way: these kids are motivated to say “I don’t care,” either with their words or with their actions. They’re saying those words; they’re telling you what they’re doing—they’re not caring.

How Can Parents Motivate Their Teen or Pre-teen?

Once you realize that your adolescent is motivated to do nothing, it will become obvious to you right away that he actually puts a lot of energy into doing that “nothing.” He puts a lot of energy into resisting you, to withdrawing from you, to making complaints. When you talk to an adolescent who's an underachiever, what you hear are a lot of errors in thinking. “I can't; it’s too hard; it doesn't matter; I don’t care.” In fact, “I don’t care” is their magic wand and their shield—it takes off pressure and makes them feel in control all at the same time. The words “I don’t care” empower them. When they start feeling anxious about their place in life, it soothes them to say it doesn’t matter; they use it like a soporific or a drug. “I don’t care” also helps them deal with their anxiety. Fear of failure? “I don’t care.” It's hard to do? “I don’t care.” It dismisses everything.

Frankly, you can't make your child care. Let’s be honest, the old saying, “You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink” is true. But understand that while we can’t make our kids drink, we can certainly try to make them thirsty.

9 Ways to Get through to Your Underachieving Child or Teen

Look at What Your Child Likes: Look for things that can be used as rewards for your child. Make a point of observing what your child likes and enjoys now. And don't take his word for it; he'll tell you he doesn't care about anything; that “nothing matters.” But look at his actions—if he watches a lot of TV, plays on the computer, if he likes video games or texting, you know what he likes. Ask yourself: does he like going to the movies? Does he like going fishing? Does he like taking walks? Take an inventory of the things he enjoys and write it all down on a piece of paper. (While I usually recommend that parents sit down with their kids and draw up this list together, in the case of kids who tend to withhold, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Don't ask a child who uses passive aggressive behavior; because he won’t tell you—remember, withholding is his way of maintaining control.) Later, you can use these things as incentives.

Take the Goodies out of His Room: I think underachieving kids should not have a lot of goodies in their rooms. Look at it this way: their room is just a place for them to withdraw. If you have a child who holes up in his bedroom, the computer should be in the living area—and if he's going to use it, he should be out there with other people. He also shouldn’t have a TV or video games in his room, and if he’s not performing, don’t let him have his cell phone, either.

I also want to be clear and state that it’s important to realize that there's a difference between being motivated to do nothing and being completely withdrawn. A child who won’t attend to his work or do his chores is different from someone who's depressed. If your child won't come out of his room, doesn’t seem to care no matter what you take away, and is often isolated and withdrawn, you have to take that seriously and seek professional help.

Make Sure everything is Earned Each Day: I think that you have to hold unmotivated kids accountable. Make sure everything is earned. Life for these guys should be one day at a time. They should have to earn video games every day. And how do they earn them? By doing their homework and chores. They earn their cell phone today and then start over tomorrow. Let me be clear: for these kids, Mom should hold the phone.

Have Conversations about What Your Child Wants: When times are good, I think you should talk to your child about what he would like to have some day. Try to sneak in different ideas to get your child to think about how he will achieve what he wants in life. Sit down with your child and say “So what kind of car would you like to have? Do you like Jeeps?” Try to get him to talk about what he'd like. Because later on you can say, “Look, I care about you and I want you to get that Jeep—and you're not going to get it by not doing your homework."

As a parent, I'd be talking this way to your child from pre-adolescence. You can say things like, “Just think, some day you're going to have your own place. What kind of place would you like?” That's the type of thing you use to motivate adolescents because that's what is real to them: they want to get an apartment, they want to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, they want to get a car. So have conversations about what it takes to attain those things. And don’t forget, it’s a mistake to give your teen or pre-teen lectures when you want them to do something—instead, make them see that completing their responsibilities is in their best interests, because it leads to the life they’d like to have in the future.

Don’t Shout, Argue, Beg or Plead: Personally, I think if you’re shouting, you're just showing your frustration—and letting your child know that he’s in control. Here’s the truth: when people start shouting, it means they've run out of solutions. With kids who are underperforming, I think you have to be very cool. Arguing, pleading, and trying to get your teen to talk about how they feel is not very effective when they’re using withholding as a relationship strategy.

In my opinion, you can try almost anything within reason for five minutes. So you can negotiate, you can reason, you can ask your child about their feelings. It’s fine to say, “Is something wrong?” Just be aware that a chronic withholder will be motivated not to answer you.

“It Matters to Me.” I think parents have to be very clear and tell their children that what they do matters to them. Personalize it by saying, “It matters to me. I care about you. I want you to do well. I can't make you do it and I won't force you. But it matters to me and I love you.”

By the way, when I tell parents to personalize it by saying “It matters to me,” that doesn’t mean you should take it personally. Taking something personally means believing that your child’s inappropriate behavior is directed at you. It’s not—in reality, it’s their overall strategy to deal with the stresses of life. The concept of “It Matters to Me” helps because relationships can be motivating, but your child is his own person. It's no reflection on you if he doesn't want to perform. You just have to set up the scenario and enhance the probability that he's going to do what he needs to do. But don't take it personally, as if somehow you have to make him do it. The truth is, you can't.

Stop Doing Your Child’s Tasks for Him: “Learned helplessness” is when people learn that if they don’t do something, someone will step in and do it for them—and it’s a very destructive pattern. When kids and teens use this shortcut, they don't learn independence. In fact, in families where this occurs, many times you'll find that the kids weren’t allowed to be independent very much. Perhaps they had to do things a certain way and all the choices were made for them. Eventually, they gave up; they surrendered.

Regardless of why your child might have an attitude of learned helplessness, as a parent, it’s important to stop doing things that he needs to do for himself. Don’t do his homework—let him do it. You can be available for help if necessary, but don’t take on his tasks. I believe one of the most important things an adolescent has to learn is independence, and if you take on his responsibilities, you’re robbing him of this chance to develop.

Learn How to Be a Coach: Let’s face it: it's often sports coaches who get the most out of our kids. It’s their job to help kids want to improve their skills. So the coach learns a little bit about each of his players. A good coach is not constantly saying, “You’re great, you’re the best, you’re a superstar!” Rather, they always keep their athletes looking forward by complimenting them on the specifics of their progress: “Nice layup, Josh. You positioned your hands better that time. Keep it up.” I think parents need to learn more about the Coaching parenting style. Always keep your child looking forward. Comment on his or her progress instead of telling them how great they are when they haven’t put forth much of an effort. Kids see through flattery and false praise just like adults do—and it usually backfires.

Set Deadlines and Use Structure: Tell your child clearly when to do chores and schoolwork—and when you want them done by. I think it's important to schedule these kids, to give them structure. “Do your chores from 3 p.m. to 4 p.m., and then you'll have free time until dinner. And during free time, you can do whatever you want to do.” There are other ways to motivate your child by saying, “If you can accomplish this in X amount of time, we'll go to your cousin’s house on Saturday” or “I’ll take you to the boat show this weekend.” Remember, not everything that your child likes to do costs money, so add those activities into the equation.

I think it’s important for parents to realize that being an underachiever gives your child a sense of control and power, because then he doesn't have to worry about the anxiety of failure or meeting challenging responsibilities. He doesn't have to compete with other kids. He doesn't have to deal with people's expectations. In fact, a large part of underachieving has to do with managing other people's expectations. That’s because once you start to achieve, people expect more of you. Kids feel this quite powerfully and they don't have much defense against it. So you'll often see that when people start expecting more of these kids, they fall apart.

For me, it's not about who's to blame; it's about who's going to take responsibility. A kid who's an underachiever is motivated to do less—or to do nothing—because it gives him a sense of power and it gets him out of the stress of having to meet responsibilities. Your job as a parent is to help him by coaching him to meet those responsibilities in spite of his anxiety, fear or apathy.

In Part II of our series on Underachievers, James will talk specifically about ways you can motivate your child in school. Stay tuned to learn how you can get your underachieving child on track for the school year—no matter what his or her issue is.

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Motivating Underachievers Part I: When Your Child Says "I Don't Care" reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.