The Secret Life Of Bullies

Why kids become bullies and why other kids are bullied is one of the great child behavior problems that parents face nowadays. Find out how James Lehman one of America's foremost behavioral therapists solves this particular child behavior help issue.

The Secret Life of Bullies: Why They Do It—and How to Stop Them

by James Lehman, MSW

Why do some kids turn to bullying? The answer is simple: it solves their social problems. After all, it's easier to bully somebody than to work things out, manage your emotions, and learn to solve problems. Bullying is the proverbial “easy way out,” and sadly, some kids take it.

Look at men who beat or intimidate their wives and scream at their kids. They’ve never learned to be effective spouses or parents. Instead, they're really bullies. And the other people in those families live in fear—fear that they're going to be yelled at, called names, or hit. Nothing has to be worked out, because the bully always gets his way. The chain of command has been established by force, and the whole mindset becomes, “If you'd only do what I say, there'd be peace around here.” So the bully's attitude is, “Give me my way or face my aggression.”

Aggression can either take the forms of violence or emotional abuse. I've seen many families that operate this way. I’m not just talking about the adults in the family, either—there are countless children who throw tantrums for the same reason: they’re saying, “Give me my way or face my behavior.” And if you as a parent don't start dealing with those tantrums early, your child may develop larger behavior problems as they grow older.

Ask yourself this question: How many passive bullies do you know? They usually control others through verbal abuse and insults and by making people feel small. They're very negative, critical people. The threat is always in the background that they're going to break something or call somebody names or hit someone if they are disagreed with. Realize that the behavior doesn't start when someone is in their teens—it usually begins when a child is five or six.

Portrait of a Bully
Bullying itself can come from a variety of sources. One source, as I mentioned, is bullying at home—maybe there are older siblings, extended family members or parents who use aggression or intimidation to get their way. I also think part of the development of bullying can stem from some type of undiagnosed or diagnosed learning disability which inhibits the child's ability to learn both social and problem-solving skills.

Make no mistake, kids use bullying primarily to replace the social skills they’re supposed to develop in grade school, middle school and high school. As children go through their developmental stages, they should be finding ways of working problems out and getting along with other people. This includes learning how to read social situations, make friends, and understand their social environment.

Bullies use aggression, and some use violence and verbal abuse, to supplant those skills. So in effect, they don't have to learn problem solving, because they just threaten the other kids. They don't have to learn how to work things out because they just push their classmates or call them names. They don't have to learn how to get along with other people—they just control them. The way they’re solving problems is through brute force and intimidation. So by the time that child reaches ten, bullying is pretty ingrained—it has become their natural response to any situation where they feel socially awkward, insecure, frightened, bored or embarrassed.

Here is what an aggressive bully often looks like: He doesn't know how to get along with other kids, so he's usually not trying to play with them. When you look out on the playground at recess, he's probably alone. He's not playing soccer or kickball with the other children; he’s roaming around the perimeter of all the interactions that take place at school on a daily basis. And whenever he's confronted with a problem or feels insecure, he takes that out on somebody else. He does this by putting somebody else down verbally or physically. A child who bullies might also throw or break things in order to feel better and more powerful about himself. When the bully feels powerless and afraid, he's much more likely to be aggressive, because that makes him feel powerful and in control. That’s a very seductive kind of thing for kids; it’s very hard for them to let go of that power.

Adolescents and Gang Mentality
When we talk about adolescent bullying, we're entering into another phenomenon altogether. The reality is that many adolescents in high school today are very abusive to each other. There are peer groups that will attack other kids verbally and emotionally, similar to a gang mentality. When these kids start calling other students rude names and questioning their sexuality, it is all done to dominate and bully them. If a teen or pre-teen doesn't want to be a victim, they have to join a group. The kids who don't socialize very well—the shy or passive types—often become the targets. And the threat of violence is always behind it. This trend in high school is prevalent today, and I think very destructive. In my opinion, parents and school administrators who ignore the way kids abuse each other in high school are kidding themselves. This behavior is hurtful and harmful, and there needs to be a lot more accountability.

Make no bones about it, bullying is traumatizing for kids who are the targets. In fact, I think children should be taught about bullying throughout grade school. They need to learn what it means, how to resolve it, and how to deal with a bully. If this is not taught, kids who are targets will think there's something wrong with them, and this vicious cycle—because that is truly what this is—perpetuates itself. Kids should also be learning how to handle their impulses and control themselves when they want to hit, hurt or intimidate others. Unless there's a concerted effort to deal with bullying and bullies in school, nothing will change. It's a challenge, but I firmly believe it can be done.

1. Teach Your Children about Bullying from an Early Age
I think from a very early age, you have to teach your child what a bully is. You can tell them the following (or even post these words in your house somewhere):

A bully is somebody who forces other people to do things they don't want to do.

A bully is somebody who hits other people.

A bully is someone who takes or breaks other people's property.

A bully is someone who calls other people names.

Then you have to set a standard that says, “We don't do that in our house.” Start that culture of accountability early. Teach them what the word means, and say, “You're accountable for that kind of behavior in our house.”

I think it’s also important that you talk about how to treat others. Ask your child, “How should you treat others?” And the answer is, “You treat others with respect ; if they don't respect you back, walk away. Treating someone with respect means not calling them names, threatening them, or hitting them.” You can also say, “You listen to others. You accept others. If they don't want to play with your toys or they don't want to share their things, you have to learn how to accept that.” This is not easy for kids, but they will learn. I really think children need to have the concept of bullying explained to them numerous times. That way, when any kind of bullying is going on, they can identify it and stop the behavior, both in themselves and others.

2. Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home
I think the most important thing for every family is to have a Culture of Accountability in your home. This means your child is accountable to you: how he talks to you, how he talks to his siblings, how he treats his family members. When he’s bullying his siblings, don’t get sucked into his excuses; just because he had a bad day at school does not give him the right to mistreat anyone in your family, for example. Let me say it again: Your child is accountable to you.

When a bully feels powerless and afraid, he's much more likely to be aggressive, because that makes him feel powerful and in control.

Don't forget, bullies often have cognitive distortions—they see the world in a certain way that justifies their bullying. So you’ll frequently hear them blaming others and making excuses for their behavior. Most of the time, they really believe that stuff: they believe what they think, and that's what you've got to challenge. You can say directly, “It sounds like you’re blaming Jesse for the fact that you punched him. It is not Jesse’s fault that you hit him.”

Schools should also have a culture of accountability, and I think that many try. That's what detentions, suspensions and expulsions are all about—if your child breaks the rules, he should be held accountable, and it’s very important that you let him deal with the natural consequences and not try to shield him.

3. The Skills Your Child Needs to Learn
Plain and simple, a child who bullies needs to learn how to solve social problems and deal with their emotions without acting out behaviorally. Have conversations with your child where you ask, “What happens when other kids don't want to play your games? What do you do? What do you do when other kids have things you want and they won't give them to you? How do you handle that? How do you handle it when you think you're right and they're wrong and there's nothing you can do about it?”

Your child has to learn how to resolve conflicts and manage his emotions. He needs to learn the skills of compromise, how to sacrifice, how to share and how to deal with injustice. He should also learn how to check things out, and to ask himself, “Is what I'm seeing really happening? Does Jonathon really hate me, or is he just in a bad mood today?”

Kids have got to learn how to manage their impulses. If their impulse is to hit or to hurt or call someone names, they have to learn to deal with that in an appropriate way. Many children and adolescents have the impulse to hurt others—they have impulses to do all kinds of things. But they need to learn to handle them, and kids who bully are no exception.

4. What to Do If Your Child is Bullying Others in School
Kids who are bullying others should be held accountable at home—they should absolutely be given consequences for their behavior. And the consequences should go like this: your child should be deprived of doing something he or she likes. So, no TV or computer games or cell phone, for example. And they also should have to do a task: they should write an essay or letter on what they're going to do next time they're in the same situation or feel the same way—instead of bullying. It’s critical that they start thinking of other ways they can solve this problem. Understand that they may not have any ideas, and that’s where you have to interact with them and coach them as a parent. In the Total Transformation Program, there's an interview process I outline where parents learn to talk with their children to solve problems, rather than explore emotions and listen to excuses. If your child is hurting or bullying others, he needs to have conversations that solve problems. He does not need or benefit from conversations that explore emotions. Bullies tend to see themselves as victims, so the conversation has to focus on them taking responsibility for their behavior.

I think your child's teachers should handle the process of having your child make amends for his behavior at school. But remember that bullies don't stop bullying when they get home—they often target younger or weaker siblings. You have to be very clear if your child is bullying—be very black and white; leave no gray areas. Don't forget, your child is bullying because solving problems— talking to people and working things out—is very hard for him. Again, your child is taking the easy way out. We all go through the growing pains of learning how to negotiate in social situations—in fact, we may work on this skill our whole lives. There should be no exceptions for anyone in your family when it comes to these skills. For a child who is using bullying as a shortcut instead of developing these skills, you have to work even harder as a parent to coach them on what to do.

When Bullies Grow Up
Make no mistake, if a child bullies, that tendency can stay with them their whole lives. Fortunately, some bullies do mature after they leave school. You'll see them get into their early twenties and go their own way; they get married, they go to college, they start a career, and they stop their bullying behavior.

But sadly, you will also see young child bullies who become teenage bullies and then adult bullies. How does this behavior and lack of social skills affect them? These are the people who abuse their wives and kids emotionally and sometimes physically. These are the people who call their spouses and kids names if they don't do things the way they want them to. Bullies may also become criminals. Look at it this way: a bully is somebody who is willing to use aggression, verbal abuse, property destruction or even violence to get his way. An anti-social personality disorder (which is how criminals are classified) refers to somebody who is willing to use aggression and violence to get his way. The criminal population is literally full of bullies who, among other things, never learned how to resolve conflicts and behave appropriately in social situations.

If you think your child is bullying others, it’s very important to start working with him now. This behavior is already hurting his life—and will continue to do so if it’s left to fester. If you expect your child to “outgrow” bullying once he reaches adulthood, realize that you’re also taking the risk that he may not—and that choice may negatively affect him for the rest of his life.

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The Secret Life of Bullies: Why They Do It—and How to Stop Them reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?pcode=affiliate0298&utm_medium=webaffl&utm_source=affiliate0298&dsource=sas&utm_campaign=177

Why Is Everyone Mad At Me?

"Why Is Everyone Always Mad at Me?"
Why Misreading Social Cues Leads to Acting Out Behavior

by James Lehman, MSW

Does your child often perceive himself as being right when he’s wrong and wrong when he’s right? Some children have a hard time picking up on other people’s expressions, body language or social cues. These kids are often prone to thinking they’re being disapproved of or disliked when they’re not.

Understand that reading social situations is a skill many kids with behavioral problems lack. Most kids acquire this skill as they grow: they learn to be more careful in situations where they might get in trouble or be hurt. Here’s an example of a child who is having problems learning this skill: let's say that your child is in school and he gets out of his seat, even though it's time for everybody to sit down. The teacher corrects him and tells him to sit down. Most kids have already taken their seats—they’ve learned to read that situation successfully. But when the teacher tells your child to sit down a second time, it triggers anxiety or frustration, which leads to increased behavioral control problems—and a diminished ability to see what’s actually going on. This cycle keeps repeating itself until your child develops a pattern of acting out around his inability to read certain social situations.

The Importance of Knowing How to Read Faces, Voices and Your Environment

Kids learn to get a majority of the information about their current social situation by reading people's facial expressions and body language. This starts when they are infants and continues well on into adulthood. In one study, it was determined that more than 70 percent of a child’s perceptions comes from the looks they see on other people’s faces. Problems emerge for kids who have diagnosed or undiagnosed learning disabilities or behavioral problems that interfere with their developing the ability to accurately read social situations. What that means is that they simply don't develop the skills to read social situations the same way that other kids do. And the misreading of these cues becomes one of the triggers for a lot of the behavioral problems that you see later on. That’s because they're not getting the same information that the other kids are receiving. Don't forget, a learning disability is an immature or malfunctioning part of a child’s neurological system. So the same data goes in, but the same solution—or behavior—does not come out.

For kids who have a hard time reading social situations and who tend to act or behave inappropriately, it’s vital that you work on it with them as a parent. If your child lacks these social skills, the good news is that this problem can be fixed.

7 Ways to Help Your Child Learn How to Read Social Cues

1. Use Photos to Help Kids Learn Emotions:

• For Younger Kids and Pre-teens: I recommend that you buy magazines and go through them with your child. As they look at pictures, ask them to tell you what each person is feeling or thinking by the look on their face. You can start to train your child that certain looks are connected to certain emotions. You can start to say things like, “How do you think that person is feeling?” They might say “Happy.” And you can say, “Well, I think they're kind of confused. You see those little lines above their eyes, the way they're squinting like that. People do that when they're trying to understand something.” Teach your child what different looks mean: happy, confused, angry. Practice with them—and when I say practice, I mean repetition and rehearsal. These things have to be ingrained in kids by practicing it as much as possible, because that is the most effective way for them to learn.

• For Older Kids: Remember that your child’s willingness to do this exercise is key. If they're not willing to do this with you, then forget about it. If they are, sit down with some teen magazines and talk with them. Have them make up stories about certain faces: show them a picture and ask them to tell you a one-paragraph story about the person. You can also watch a movie together and talk about the characters’ emotions. You can try using a reward in order to get them to work with you on this.

By the way, I'm pretty frank with adolescents when it comes to their inability to read social situations. They don't like that because they don't want you to notice any deficit in their personality at all. The key is to associate your comments with something observable and realistic. I usually say something like this: “Look Tommy, part of your problem is that when you look at a situation, you don't see it the same way that most other kids and adults do. When the other kids look at the teacher and the teacher says ‘sit down,’ they all sit down. What they see is a situation where they have to comply. What you see is a situation where you don't necessarily have to do anything—that it's up to you. But that's not accurate, and that’s why you keep getting into trouble at school.” I follow that up by saying, “Tommy, if you can work on this with me, the misunderstanding like the one you had with your teacher today never needs to happen again.” I make it “right size” for the child, not something so huge he can't tackle, and I put it in terms of his best interests. “You’ll never have to go through this again after you learn how to do it the right way.” To many kids, I think that’s a relief.

2. Use Narratives and Roleplays

• For Younger Kids: A good technique for younger kids is to do a narrative with them. You can say, “I'm going to walk into the store and I'm going to talk nicely to the sales lady, because I want her to be helpful. And even though I might get frustrated if I don't get the right size, I'm not going to talk to her like I'm angry; I'm going to talk to her respectfully. In the situations where I want somebody to do something for me, the best thing I can do is be polite and respectful.” And then you role play it with them. You definitely, definitely have to role play—and role model—appropriately with these kids.

• For Older Kids and Teens: You can do role plays with teenagers, too. As a therapist, I would have them walk into my office four or five times in a row—just go back out and walk in—to practice how to enter a classroom and sit down. They'd walk in and I'd say, “Hey, Charlie, how's it going?” And if they responded inappropriately to me, I'd say, “Wrong. Go back out.” They’d try again and I'd say, “Hey Charlie, how's it going?” All they needed to do was wave and sit down. If they said anything rude, it was over. They thought this exercise was silly, but they did it. When they got it right, I'd say "Good, that's the way you do it. Why don't you try that in class?"

3. Break It Down into Bite-sized Pieces

• Trying to change everything at once is overwhelming for all kids. That’s why I recommend that parents use “discrete learning.” That means you break down whatever you’re working on into individual little pieces. So you can say “Today, when we go into the store I want you to try this skill: smile a lot and say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’” Limit it to one skill or one situation at a time. Be sure to point out the results later. “Did you see how the waitress smiled back at you and brought you extra fries because you were so polite to her?” Always tell kids when what they are doing is working—it gives them an incentive to keep trying, just like it does with adults.

4. “Let’s Try an Experiment…”

• Another thing you can say to your child is, “Let's try an experiment. Why don't you try this today and see what happens.” It could be raising their hand before they talk in school or saying “hello” to the teacher when they walk in to class. You could also say, “What would you like to happen today with this person?” And then role play how they can make that happen. So connect the new behavior to real things in your child’s life, but again, do it discretely, one thing at a time: one person at a time, one situation at a time, one class at a time.

5. Work with Your Kids: Teach and Coach Them Forward

• Social skills are one of the areas where the teaching and coaching roles become very important for parents. Remember, when you take on the teaching role, what you’re really doing is helping your child to learn new skills. I think it’s okay to say, “People don't respond well to you when you ______, “—and then fill in the blank. But that has to be coupled with, “Why don't you try _______, instead. Here, let me show you.” Do a little interview with a short discussion. “Well, you know, teachers don't like it when you talk out of turn in class, Maddy. That's why you got detention. What do you think you can do differently the next time you want to talk out of turn? What can you do to remind yourself that you can't do that?” And see what she says. Here’s the key: the next day before school, take your child aside and say, “Remember what you said you were going to do differently today,” and remind her about her plan: “When the teacher says, ‘Time to take out your books,’ you are going to stop talking to Riley and Jenna and you’re going to listen so you don’t get detention again.”

6. Teach Your Child to “Check Out Perceptions”

• It’s important for kids to be able to approach adults when they think they’re in trouble. They should be able to say, “Is something wrong” or “Did I do something wrong?” When they think their teacher is frowning at them in class, it’s helpful for them to ask that teacher later, “Did I do something wrong today?” It's hard to do, but it’s a technique that will help them eliminate a lot of misunderstanding. One of the things that my son learned to say in our house was, “Are we okay?” or “Are you okay?” After work I'd be tired most days, and even though I was feeling pretty good, to my son, I looked grumpy and out of sorts. And I taught him to ask me, “Are we okay, or did I do something wrong?” And I'd usually say, “Yeah, I'm doing fine, I'm just a little tired.”

We taught him to read us—and if he didn't know what was going on, he learned to check it out. This is very important for kids. The first place they'll need to learn that skill is with their parents, to say “Is something wrong; are we okay?” And it’s important to answer that question, because they could be reading disapproval on your face when you have a headache or are anxious about work. Kids personalize things, and from that personalization they learn self-talk. “Self-talk” is how we talk to ourselves all day long. It’s the key to almost everything, and the difference between thinking, “I can do this, it will be OK” vs. “I’m stupid. They all hate me.” Kids can easily take something the wrong way, and then they start talking to themselves about it. In the end, they might end up feeling like they can't make anybody happy. So it's very important for kids to learn how to check things out at home, especially if they have parents who are hard to read. And that’s certainly also true with teachers and other significant people in their lives.

7. For Kids Who Are Bullied

• Although I think kids should learn how to deal with bullies and kids who pick on them, I think it’s the school’s responsibility to protect kids while they’re in school. As a parent, if your child is being bullied, do not hesitate to call the school. And if your child has been physically harmed, do not hesitate to call the police. The techniques I’m sharing with you in this article are ways to help your child cope, but that does not relieve the school of the responsibility to make sure everybody is safe.

Learning social skills and social cues is vital for all kids, but it’s especially critical for children who tend to be bullied. The first thing I say to kids who are bullied is “You're not responsible. It's not your fault. If somebody's bullying you, they're the problem.” The best strategy they can use is called “avoid and escape.” You can break it down for them like this: “Avoid the people who bully you and situations where you get bullied. If you find yourself in one, escape as soon as you can. Get out of there. In fact, the best way to deal with any threatening situation is avoid and escape. You avoid the situation: don't sit at that lunch table. Or you escape: Don’t be the victim. Get up and go to another table.”

If there are unavoidable places your child has to go during the day, like the bathroom or locker room, tell them to get in and out as quickly as they can. “You ignore the bullies or you try to avoid them. Get a pass from the teacher and go to the bathroom from class.”

They also need to learn positive self talk. They need to be able to say, “This is not my problem. This is the bully’s problem.” And they need to be able to ask for help. Many, many schools today talk to kids about being bullied. As a parent, you can ask the school if they have a curriculum that teaches kids how to deal with bullies. And if they don't, ask them why. Schools use curriculums schools that take only one day. They teach the kids about bullying: how not to bully, what to do if you're bullied, and how to talk openly about it. As a parent, you should be looking into that kind of curriculum at your child’s school.

I firmly believe that if your child has a problem with reading social situations and social cues, it’s a very solvable problem. In my mind, repetition and rehearsal are the key. How do you deal with the problem of not writing well? You practice writing. Teaching kids social skills is really the same thing: it takes practice, it takes rehearsal, and it takes somebody demonstrating and showing them how to do it.

Don't spend a lot of time on why they can't read social situations well. I would tell kids, “Not being able to read social situations happens to a lot of kids. That's why they're always in trouble. As you become an adult you learn to read this kind of thing better. And some people lag behind. It just doesn't happen to them as quickly as other people, and that’s OK.”

Remember, if your child is behaving inappropriately, whether it’s a result of a missed social cue or not, you still have to hold him accountable, as well as teach the new skill. Once your child knows how they’re expected to behave, you have to make him responsible for operationalizing and implementing it. And if you can't hold him responsible for using it, his chances of learning the new skill go way down. If you don’t enforce it, he won’t have any reason to change. After all, you're asking him to do something different, and “different” is usually perceived as “difficult.” People don't like to change, so you have to stay on top of it and make sure your child is putting his learning into practice. The best reward for your child is that he will start to have more success with people in his life immediately—and that will translate into better behavior all the way around.

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"Why Is Everyone Always Mad at Me?" Why Misreading Social Cues Leads to Acting Out Behavior reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Help With ADHD

Ritalin, as the main drug used to treat ADHD in children is nothing else but a fancy name for an amphetamine which, of course is a Schedule II class drug and that means there is a risk of substance abuse and addiction. Why do you think that Adderall, another one of these popular ADHD drugs will sell on a school parking lot for as much as $15 a tablet ? Where can parents get help with ADHD, apart from the doctors's office ?

Will pills teach skills ? I doubt it ! Parenting is exhausting and many parents, once they get the ADHD diagnosis for their kids, are content to give them the pills and little else! This is why parenting skills is so important because the shocking fact is that after a period of two to three years, the benefits of these drugs in alleviating ADHD, wears off ! Helping kids with ADHD means using behavior modification techniques and also finding a treatment which is not risky or has disturbing side effects.

Help With ADHD

Parenting Skills ?

Natural Cures For ADHD

Is ADHD Behavioral Therapy The Answer ?

This video looks at various options for Treatments for ADHD and explains why ADHD behavioral therapy is the best solution.

Fix Behavior With A Problem Child?

When parents say that nothing works with their children and they despair of ever being able to fix behavior, they should read James Lehman's article on tough case kids, he should know as he was one himself !

"My Kid Will Never Change."
When You've Hit a Wall with Your Child's Behavior

by James Lehman, MSW

Have you ever listened to parenting advice, all the while thinking, “That won’t work with my child—nothing does. He’s too difficult; no one can get through to him.” If you’ve ever felt this way, stop what you’re doing and read this article. We sat down and talked to James Lehman, who explains how to get through to “hard case” kids—and how to manage their behavior effectively. (The good news? There is hope—and room to make some real changes that work.)

Let me be clear: kids don't behave because they like their parents; kids behave because it's in their best interests to behave.

Q: James, what is your response to parents who say, “My child is really tough. He’ll never change.”



James: I understand that parents get frustrated and exhausted trying to deal with kids who can be really resistant and difficult. But I know from experience that that doesn't have to be the case—there are other ways of solving the problems of acting out, defiance, attitude, and lack of motivation in children. I think when a parent says, “My child will never change,” one of the things they’re saying is, “My parenting style will never change; I don’t think there’s anything new I can teach my child. And because I'm stuck where I am, he's going to stay stuck where he is.”

If your parenting style isn't working and you don't change it, it's probably going to continue not working. That’s just a given. But if your parenting style develops and you learn different ways to coach, teach and set limits on your child, I believe that eventually you will see change.

Q: So is there any one thing a parent should be doing to help their child change?



James: In my opinion, people change for a variety of reasons, some of which can be hard to understand. The idea that it takes a certain amount of input, or that there’s one thing you should do in order for your child to change, is not really a logical one. It’s not like you can just wave a magic wand a certain way and get your child to behave. The truth is, different kids need different amounts of support. I think that it's important for parents to understand the concept that knowledge is cumulative in kids. In other words, one bit of knowledge doesn't create one bit of change. Rather, it takes a lot of bits of knowledge to create one bit of change. Really, the idea that kids won't change is out of context with how they learn. If the approach you’ve been using isn’t working, try another one—trust me, you can learn more effective ways to solve the problem of inappropriate behavior. That’s something I’ve helped parents do my entire career—and I have seen true change happen over and over again.

Q: James, the first step for many parents is getting their child to listen to them. How do you go about doing that when you have a “hard case” kid who never listens to anyone—and especially not to his or her parents?



James: I think that this is another instance where parents have to look at their own skill base—and not at their kid’s. Understand that your child’s capacity to listen will be influenced by his age, his peer group, the setting in which you are having a conversation with him, and the issue at hand. And if your child is really angry and frustrated about something and you're trying to reason with him, he's not going to listen, plain and simple. Just accept that going into it.



I often ask parents to envision what might have to happen in order for their child to listen to them. What would be an ideal place for a talk? Most parents can describe the setting: it's quiet, there are no distractions, everyone is calm, and they have a chance to really share their ideas with their child. I think all of these elements have to be in play in order to have any kind of discussion with your child.

Here’s another crucial thing to remember: kids will listen to something—and comply— when it’s in their best interests to do so. Let me be clear: kids don't behave because they like their parents; kids behave because it's in their best interests to behave. So parents who compromise about household rules in order to get their kids to do what they want are missing the point. Instead of trying to get your child to like you in order to behave, what you have to do is get your child to like his life, his privileges, his friends, and his independence. Because all those things that matter to us, also matter to our kids—and are incentives for them to try harder.



Instead of giving in to your child and trying to be his friend, communicate that it's his responsibility to listen to you—and that he'll be held accountable if he doesn’t. The relationship between responsibility, accountability and consequences can’t be stressed enough here. The message should always be: “You're responsible and I'm going to hold you accountable.” And let him know there are going to be consequences if he doesn’t comply with the rules.



I also believe that parents have to say something worth listening to. Kids don't listen to preaching. Kids don't listen to labeling. And they don't listen to name calling or blaming, either. I think it’s helpful to talk to your child in a direct, matter-of-fact way. Don’t personalize what is happening; just stick to the facts. Try to define the problem in a way that is solvable. “It’s your responsibility to take out the garbage. If you don’t, there will be consequences.” And let him know he’ll be rewarded if he is able to meet his responsibilities consistently. This is how you hold your child accountable.

Q: What are some tips for getting through to your child, especially if that child is a hard case?



James: Again, I think if your child sees it's in his best interests to respond to you, hard case or not, he's going to find a way to respond. To give you an example, we often see kids with behavior problems really getting along with teachers who are highly structured. That’s because the structure the teacher has set up makes it clear that it's in the child’s best interests to behave. Sometimes that's because the teacher doesn't take any playing around and sets limits right away; sometimes it's because the teacher gives consequences and rewards that the child finds meaningful. Remember, there always has to be interplay between structure that's clear, and rewards that are meaningful. And if you find the right combination, your child will respond to you—whether or not he's a hard case.

I also think that with hard cases, you have to be very clear about who you are. I don't think you have to be hard yourself, but you have to be able to clearly define what you expect from your child. And let them know that you're going to hold them accountable. I think kids who are hard cases often don't see what's in it for them. They might think, “So what’s in it for me if I clean my room? What's in it for me if I do my homework?” I think the answer is to have a structure where you can show them what the consequences and rewards are. So they know what’s going to happen if they don’t finish their assignment or mow the lawn. It’s clear to them what they’ll get as a reward—and what might be taken away as a consequence.



I also believe there is a lot of legitimacy in giving kids more independence when they do things more independently. So you can say things like, “You can stay up half an hour later because you’ve shown me that you can be responsible with your reading homework.” That actually motivates your child to act more independently. And when I say independently, I don't mean defiantly—I just mean independently. In other words, they're able to meet their responsibilities without a lot of prodding or threatening or following up from you.

Q: What if you have a child who doesn't seem to respond to consequences?



James: If your child doesn't respond to consequences, then you simply haven't discovered things that are consequential to him. Don't forget, a consequence can be a reward, too. Too many parents use the term “consequences” when they mean punishments. Many kids become very resistant to the idea because of what they think it means. Instead, parents have to learn to use the carrot and the stick—not just the stick.



So again, once a child sees it's in his best interests, a lot of things will change. Here's a great example: Let’s say you have a kid who hasn’t worked hard in school, isn’t really committed to anything and is kind of lazy around the house, perhaps a little mouthy sometimes. And then one day he wants to get his driver’s permit. Oh man, do things change! All of a sudden, that same child is apologetic when he makes a mistake. He's interested in doing the things you want him to do—and he's willing to do his chores and homework. All because he wants to drive that car.



You might not have a car to use as a reward with your child, but there are other things that might work. In my opinion, parents have to develop a motivational system—a “motivational package,” if you will. That means that you should always have a menu of rewards on hand. And I think that list should come from your child. When times are good, I recommend that you sit down and say, “Hey, I'm making a menu of things we could do that you might enjoy. Can you help me out?” And by the way, you should also have a menu of consequences. It’s a mistake to have only one consequence that you use all the time. Instead, have a consequence system that allows you to have choices. So it's not the same old, “Go to your room.” If you have a list of consequences, you can give your child and yourself a little more elbow room. Remember, consequences that are task-oriented are the most effective because they promote learning and change.

Q: What about parents who say, “I don’t know how to motivate my child—he doesn’t care about anything?”



James: I think parents should set goals with their children to motivate them. So a goal might be, “If you can clean your room for three days, then you get an extra half hour of computer time.” Now your child is working toward something reachable. But remember, the incentive has to be something your child wants. Things that tend to work with kids these days are cell phones, computers, video games, and television. These are all “carrots” we can use to give our kids the incentive to behave and be responsible.

By the way, I think for many kids with motivational problems, the right approach is, “We will give you half an hour on the computer; that's our gift to you. Every member of the family gets it. And if you want more, then we need to see you trying harder and keeping up with your responsibilities.” I tell parents to limit time on the computer because I think a great opportunity is being missed here: you are squandering your chance to offer it as a reward. By limiting your child’s computer time, he has to put forth some effort to earn more. Be sure to clearly define what a child must do—and for how long—in order to earn that extra time.



And incidentally, it’s also been my observation that if you can't motivate your child, something will someday. What I mean by that is that it’s important to know that there are other catalysts in your child’s life besides you—and that’s a good thing. I’ve seen teens who are slobs clean up their act when they get a girlfriend. Certainly kids go back and get their GED's when they find out they need a high school diploma to get anywhere in life. So you are not the only change agent in your child’s life—but you are the most influential one.

Q: James, what would you say to parents who feel like their child is hopeless—and that nothing will work for them?



James: I would say that I understand—I think there are children who certainly make you feel hopeless when you're trying to parent them. Believe me, I’ve worked with some entrenched, out-of-control kids over the years. But by using that system of responsibility, accountability and consequences, I saw many, many of those kids turn their lives around and go on to become successful adults. So in my mind, there's always hope—but you have to be willing to work at it to create real change.

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"My Kid Will Never Change." When You've Hit a Wall with Your Child's Behavior reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Difficult Child?

What happens if you have a difficult child who says all the time 'I don't care '? How can you leran to motivate them? James lehamn has written a really helpful article which shows that behavior modification is the key to solving problem behavior with a difficult child.

Motivating Underachievers Part I:
When Your Child Says "I Don't Care"

by James Lehman, MSW

Are you facing the new school year with dread because you have an unmotivated or underachieving teen or pre-teen? Is your child’s answer to everything, “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t matter?” In Part I of this two-part series, James Lehman, MSW explains why your child does have motivation—and how you can coach them to better behavior.

Once you realize that your adolescent is motivated to do nothing, it will become obvious to you right away that he actually puts a lot of energy into doing that “nothing.”

The first thing to understand about teens and pre-teens who seem to have no motivation is this simple truth: It's impossible to have no motivation. Everybody is motivated—it just depends on what they’re motivated to do. I think it's helpful to see that rather than being unmotivated, these kids are actually motivated to not perform and to resist their parents. In other words, they’re motivated to do nothing.

Parents often think that if they can find a new way to encourage their child, he or she will magically start achieving more. I don't think it's like that at all. In fact, I think the problem is that these kids are motivated to resist, withdraw and under-perform. In effect, instead of acting out, they’re acting in.

Think of lack of motivation as an action problem—and the action is to resist. These kids are making excuses; they’re pushing their parents away. At school, they’re motivated to resist studying and homework. They're also motivated to resist their teachers. Look at it this way: these kids are motivated to say “I don’t care,” either with their words or with their actions. They’re saying those words; they’re telling you what they’re doing—they’re not caring.

How Can Parents Motivate Their Teen or Pre-teen?

Once you realize that your adolescent is motivated to do nothing, it will become obvious to you right away that he actually puts a lot of energy into doing that “nothing.” He puts a lot of energy into resisting you, to withdrawing from you, to making complaints. When you talk to an adolescent who's an underachiever, what you hear are a lot of errors in thinking. “I can't; it’s too hard; it doesn't matter; I don’t care.” In fact, “I don’t care” is their magic wand and their shield—it takes off pressure and makes them feel in control all at the same time. The words “I don’t care” empower them. When they start feeling anxious about their place in life, it soothes them to say it doesn’t matter; they use it like a soporific or a drug. “I don’t care” also helps them deal with their anxiety. Fear of failure? “I don’t care.” It's hard to do? “I don’t care.” It dismisses everything.

Frankly, you can't make your child care. Let’s be honest, the old saying, “You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink” is true. But understand that while we can’t make our kids drink, we can certainly try to make them thirsty.

9 Ways to Get through to Your Underachieving Child or Teen

Look at What Your Child Likes: Look for things that can be used as rewards for your child. Make a point of observing what your child likes and enjoys now. And don't take his word for it; he'll tell you he doesn't care about anything; that “nothing matters.” But look at his actions—if he watches a lot of TV, plays on the computer, if he likes video games or texting, you know what he likes. Ask yourself: does he like going to the movies? Does he like going fishing? Does he like taking walks? Take an inventory of the things he enjoys and write it all down on a piece of paper. (While I usually recommend that parents sit down with their kids and draw up this list together, in the case of kids who tend to withhold, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Don't ask a child who uses passive aggressive behavior; because he won’t tell you—remember, withholding is his way of maintaining control.) Later, you can use these things as incentives.

Take the Goodies out of His Room: I think underachieving kids should not have a lot of goodies in their rooms. Look at it this way: their room is just a place for them to withdraw. If you have a child who holes up in his bedroom, the computer should be in the living area—and if he's going to use it, he should be out there with other people. He also shouldn’t have a TV or video games in his room, and if he’s not performing, don’t let him have his cell phone, either.

I also want to be clear and state that it’s important to realize that there's a difference between being motivated to do nothing and being completely withdrawn. A child who won’t attend to his work or do his chores is different from someone who's depressed. If your child won't come out of his room, doesn’t seem to care no matter what you take away, and is often isolated and withdrawn, you have to take that seriously and seek professional help.

Make Sure everything is Earned Each Day: I think that you have to hold unmotivated kids accountable. Make sure everything is earned. Life for these guys should be one day at a time. They should have to earn video games every day. And how do they earn them? By doing their homework and chores. They earn their cell phone today and then start over tomorrow. Let me be clear: for these kids, Mom should hold the phone.

Have Conversations about What Your Child Wants: When times are good, I think you should talk to your child about what he would like to have some day. Try to sneak in different ideas to get your child to think about how he will achieve what he wants in life. Sit down with your child and say “So what kind of car would you like to have? Do you like Jeeps?” Try to get him to talk about what he'd like. Because later on you can say, “Look, I care about you and I want you to get that Jeep—and you're not going to get it by not doing your homework."

As a parent, I'd be talking this way to your child from pre-adolescence. You can say things like, “Just think, some day you're going to have your own place. What kind of place would you like?” That's the type of thing you use to motivate adolescents because that's what is real to them: they want to get an apartment, they want to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, they want to get a car. So have conversations about what it takes to attain those things. And don’t forget, it’s a mistake to give your teen or pre-teen lectures when you want them to do something—instead, make them see that completing their responsibilities is in their best interests, because it leads to the life they’d like to have in the future.

Don’t Shout, Argue, Beg or Plead: Personally, I think if you’re shouting, you're just showing your frustration—and letting your child know that he’s in control. Here’s the truth: when people start shouting, it means they've run out of solutions. With kids who are underperforming, I think you have to be very cool. Arguing, pleading, and trying to get your teen to talk about how they feel is not very effective when they’re using withholding as a relationship strategy.

In my opinion, you can try almost anything within reason for five minutes. So you can negotiate, you can reason, you can ask your child about their feelings. It’s fine to say, “Is something wrong?” Just be aware that a chronic withholder will be motivated not to answer you.

“It Matters to Me.” I think parents have to be very clear and tell their children that what they do matters to them. Personalize it by saying, “It matters to me. I care about you. I want you to do well. I can't make you do it and I won't force you. But it matters to me and I love you.”

By the way, when I tell parents to personalize it by saying “It matters to me,” that doesn’t mean you should take it personally. Taking something personally means believing that your child’s inappropriate behavior is directed at you. It’s not—in reality, it’s their overall strategy to deal with the stresses of life. The concept of “It Matters to Me” helps because relationships can be motivating, but your child is his own person. It's no reflection on you if he doesn't want to perform. You just have to set up the scenario and enhance the probability that he's going to do what he needs to do. But don't take it personally, as if somehow you have to make him do it. The truth is, you can't.

Stop Doing Your Child’s Tasks for Him: “Learned helplessness” is when people learn that if they don’t do something, someone will step in and do it for them—and it’s a very destructive pattern. When kids and teens use this shortcut, they don't learn independence. In fact, in families where this occurs, many times you'll find that the kids weren’t allowed to be independent very much. Perhaps they had to do things a certain way and all the choices were made for them. Eventually, they gave up; they surrendered.

Regardless of why your child might have an attitude of learned helplessness, as a parent, it’s important to stop doing things that he needs to do for himself. Don’t do his homework—let him do it. You can be available for help if necessary, but don’t take on his tasks. I believe one of the most important things an adolescent has to learn is independence, and if you take on his responsibilities, you’re robbing him of this chance to develop.

Learn How to Be a Coach: Let’s face it: it's often sports coaches who get the most out of our kids. It’s their job to help kids want to improve their skills. So the coach learns a little bit about each of his players. A good coach is not constantly saying, “You’re great, you’re the best, you’re a superstar!” Rather, they always keep their athletes looking forward by complimenting them on the specifics of their progress: “Nice layup, Josh. You positioned your hands better that time. Keep it up.” I think parents need to learn more about the Coaching parenting style. Always keep your child looking forward. Comment on his or her progress instead of telling them how great they are when they haven’t put forth much of an effort. Kids see through flattery and false praise just like adults do—and it usually backfires.

Set Deadlines and Use Structure: Tell your child clearly when to do chores and schoolwork—and when you want them done by. I think it's important to schedule these kids, to give them structure. “Do your chores from 3 p.m. to 4 p.m., and then you'll have free time until dinner. And during free time, you can do whatever you want to do.” There are other ways to motivate your child by saying, “If you can accomplish this in X amount of time, we'll go to your cousin’s house on Saturday” or “I’ll take you to the boat show this weekend.” Remember, not everything that your child likes to do costs money, so add those activities into the equation.

I think it’s important for parents to realize that being an underachiever gives your child a sense of control and power, because then he doesn't have to worry about the anxiety of failure or meeting challenging responsibilities. He doesn't have to compete with other kids. He doesn't have to deal with people's expectations. In fact, a large part of underachieving has to do with managing other people's expectations. That’s because once you start to achieve, people expect more of you. Kids feel this quite powerfully and they don't have much defense against it. So you'll often see that when people start expecting more of these kids, they fall apart.

For me, it's not about who's to blame; it's about who's going to take responsibility. A kid who's an underachiever is motivated to do less—or to do nothing—because it gives him a sense of power and it gets him out of the stress of having to meet responsibilities. Your job as a parent is to help him by coaching him to meet those responsibilities in spite of his anxiety, fear or apathy.

In Part II of our series on Underachievers, James will talk specifically about ways you can motivate your child in school. Stay tuned to learn how you can get your underachieving child on track for the school year—no matter what his or her issue is.

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Motivating Underachievers Part I: When Your Child Says "I Don't Care" reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Looking At ADHD As A Gift

Here is a great video on what it is like to have ADHD and notice how Corey talks about it as a GIFT ! He tells us about all the songwriters, artists, writers, TV producers, stars, sportsmen, singers ... you name it .... a LOT of them have or had ADHD.
So, look at ADHD as a an OPPORTUNITY.

Misdiagnosing ADHD.

The question of misdiagnosing or overdiagnosing ADHD is a very complex one and there are no easy answers. Here are a few pointers though, to get you thinking positively about this.

Looking at the number of prescriptions for ADHD drugs which are growing by leaps and bounds, there are questions about whether ADHD is on the increase or is it simply that doctors are getting more expert in diagnosing it? The latter is, I think, unlikely as there is no sophisticated objective test out there. That means then that there is a probability that ADHD overdiagnosis is a big problem.

On reason for this is that there are up to 30 medical conditions which all have similar symptoms to ADHD. These can range from bi-polar disorder, problem with blood sugar levels, thyroid deficiency, lead poisoning, post traumatic stress syndrome and allergies.

Given that the drugs prescribed for ADHD are controversial and are full of black box warnings, the question now is what is the most effective and safest way of treating ADHD.

You can read more about ADHD diagnosis and treatment here.

Self Help for Depression Tips

If you are prescribed with SSRIs type anti depressants, there are a few things that your doctor may not have told you. First one is that these drugs will probably raise our levels of serotonin which is a neurotransmitter in the brain and which controls our good mood. So, we become bright and breezy ! Great ! Only problem is that the drug will also affect our appetite and our sex drive. That is the bad news !

There are lots of ways though that self help for depression can be used in getting over this illness without having to rely too much on the drugs or indeed just to reduce our dependency on them. The first self help for depression tip is to make sure that you have someone who will call you every day to see how you are doing. All the research shows that having a supportive relationship and keeping it is an essential element in preventing and treating depression.

Read the article for some more tips on self help for depression

Learn more about depression treatment here

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Statistics

Figures are bandied about but whatever attention deficit hyperactivity disorder statistics you look at nowadays, the numbers are always on the increase. Some estimates put the number of children affected at up to 10% and there is also a strong possibility that up to 25% of parents who have kids with ADHD, may have the condition themselves and that they never realised it! Not to mention the money made on psychostimulants by the drug companies who are just raking it in - up to 11 billion dollars a year. If the condition is left untreated, then there is a strong possibility (30% to 60%) that children will carry ADHD into their adult lives.

Read the full article I wrote on Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Statistics

Discover what Natural ADHD treatment is available.

To Medicate Or Not To Medicate ?

Recent deaths caused by overdoses of ADHD medications have hit the headlines but fortunately these are extremely rare. However it does raise the question yet again about whether these type of amphetamine drugs are safe. Recently anti-depressives and blood pressure drugs have been added to the armoury but even more doubts remain. Should we really be drugging our children like this ? The answer is no, in my opinion, because the drugs will never teach a child social skills, self control or how to behave responsibly and be accountable for his actions. the only way to teach these skills is through behavior therapy, family therapy or behavior modification as it is sometimes called. Call it what you will - the fact is that without learning a few simple techniques and strategies, parents are always going to be at a loss when faced with defiant aggressive kids.

Read this article to help YOU decide what is best for your child.

Out Of Control Behavior - Should I Medicate My Child?

Is ADHD Medication the Answer To Bad Behavior ?

Parents often want to know what effects ADHD medications will have on their child. Hard to tell but we now know that about 20% of children with ADHD just cannot cope with the medications due to the severe side effects. In addition bad behavior is not going to be cured using psychostimulants either ! Read the article below to find what you have to do to make sure your ADHD child is going to learn how to behave . This is just one of the things you will learn if you take an ADHD behavior therapy course.

Out of Control Behavior: Should I Medicate My Child?

MORE ON BEHAVIOR THERAPY 

Parenting ADHD Kids - Who Is The Good Cop?

ADHD kids will soon exploit any weaknesses in their parents' armour and a classic one is where one of the parents takes a different stand on discipline issues or even how to interpret certain rules. There is some confusion about what is the bottom line in parenting ADHD kids. Read the article below to see how a united stand is essential in running your family. If one of you is the 'good cop' then there is something wrong ! Read also now ADHD behavior therapy/family therapy can transform your whole family life for the better.

Good Cop/Bad Cop Parenting

Read More On ADHD BEHAVIOR THERAPY

ADHD Behavior Therapy

Find out why ADHD behavior therapy is going to save your sanity and help you to raise difficult kids, teens with ADHD and a host of other parenting skills and techniques.

ADHD Medications - Warnings And Alarms.

Why are the side effects of ADHD psychostimulants played down by the drug companies ? Ask a silly question. We are talking about a billion dollar industry here so any side effects are played down deliberately.

Here is an example. Ritalin has been produced for 40 years. It is an amphetamine and as such can cause addiction and lead to substance abuse. The most alarming fact is that no long term research has been done on its long term effects on children. Only studies that cover two years !

Another side effect of this type of drug is that it causes stunted growth. Research has been done by Stephen Hinson of Berkeley UC who found that children on Ritalin grew shorter and weighed less than children who had not been on ADHD medications.

Find A Safer ADHD Alternative Therapy HERE